incredible days and horrible nights

Today I had a very brain stimulating day. I haven't had one of those in a long time. My brain definitely got some long needed exercise, except the brain is not a muscle, so it can't actually exercise, but that's a whole different matter.
I think it's fun to meet people that you only know through other people, or from the internet, or in this case, both. I thought today it was the second time this happened to me, but then I searched my memory and remembered there were actually a few. Let's count them off:
1. Canadian boy whose name I can't remember right now, who lived on a farm with his mother and about 12 siblings (mostly adopted) near Prague. They had transported 50 horses, among other animals, across the ocean, but evil Czech people poisoned most of their animals, so when I came to visit the farm, there were only 3-4 horses around. How horrible is that?!?!!?! He is truly one of the most tragic boys I've ever met. He is a gay Jew, the oldest of the children of a single mother, his father was in prison (I think for killing) and half of the children were mentally handicapped. He was also home schooled, a goth, and completely self-destructive and depressed. I met him 3 times, but I just couldn't go on. Every conversation would turn to the same thing, and I couldn't do it any more. If he wasn't going to help himself, nobody else could help him. I told him that. And we never spoke again. I found him online on some goth website prior to these meetings, that's how I got to know him.
2. A Spanish girl from a little town near Barcelona. I got to know her on Myspace, which was before FB was the shit, and everyone used Myspace, or at least everyone around me. I don't remember much about her, she came to Prague with her Mom and Anda was visiting then, and we went for a couple of drinks in Harleys Bar, and that's all I remember about her. I think her name was Adriana.
3. A group of young people from Denmark. I met one girl on Myspace, and she said her + friends were coming to Prague and would we like to hang out? And I said absolutely. We met in a club, I forget the name of it, it was on Vaclavske Namesti, and we hung out for a bit, then we went to another club, which I have no idea where it was or what it was called, but then I lost her. So the meeting consisted of about 30 min conversation in which neither could hear the other, and then losing each other in another club. Great.
4. Steve Aron!! Nuff said.
5. Simon. Today. It's so good to talk to someone who is very intelligent and knows things in areas I don't, so I can't be a snob because I am absolutely fascinated by those things that I know nothing about. It's also nice to get away from art students who are so... bleh.

I know there were others, but after a severe migraine that I had earlier, my brain right now is not functioning as well as it should be. I met some girl in Paris, and in our hour together she told me all her love problems. And then there were others still.

Migraines are no fun kids. What started out as a little poke in the brain when I was travelling on the Victoria line and thinking about how the bus stop is closed and I would have to walk to another one which would probably be really full of desperate people trying to catch a bus home, and really not wanting to walk that extra block because I was developing a poke in the brain - all this turned into a severe head-splitting nauseating eye-hurting and brain-shivering migraine which made me collapse in bed, in the dark, with my eyes closed shut and tears running down my face because I hate pain. Then the pulsating stopped for a bit, I ran downstairs, got some juice, took some pills and lay down again, this time face up, staring at the ceiling and wondering how many more years of migraines I would have to endure. I fell asleep and woke up 10 minutes later to find my head completely normal, healthy, with no tension or pain, and went down to dinner. I guess sometimes a tiny nap and pills do work after all.

Some images for entertainment. I'm off to read Fowles.

murder

I've had some deep reflections this weekend. I've had some revelations too. Let's start with them, because they are positive. The rest is very very negative.

1. London weather is beautiful when the sun is shining. It reminds me of my childhood. I went to Regent's Park today and didn't go to the Frieze art fair because I think it's stupid to spend that much money to see some modern art when you can go online and see it without thousands of people crushing you. Instead, I was going to go to the zoo to see the animals, because animals make me feel better. But the line for the tickets was also huge and the tickets cost a lot too, and I didn't bring enough money with me anyway.
2. Sometimes some things were never meant to be, so no point in fussing over them.
3. Sometimes some things do work out in the end, even when at first it seems impossible.
4. 80s teenage movies are so interesting. I started watching movies again, after a long long break. My old favorites got me back in the game, Velvet Goldmine and Party Monster. I am glad I can watch movies again without having to read the plot beforehand, because I can now entertain myself again. I watched 16 candles and Pretty in Pink, and I love Duckie. He's absolutely amazing. If I had a friend just like him in real life, I would never need any friend ever again. And the rich boyfriend totally has cat eyes.

Now the revelations aside, I got some ideas for art work. For some reason, they are all very dark but I just think it's because I've been in a very dark mood all weekend, for several reasons. Murder. I am still in that Crystal Castles mood and I am thinking about murder. People getting stabbed in tunnels, getting shot under bridges, getting strangled in their own homes at night. I do have a fascination with death, that part of it is not new. I've just never thought about it before as a fascination, but I think it's totally there. That's why I like everything dark, dark videos, dark art, dark things (things of the dark).. I don't know. Death, murder... and my tutor Bernie thought it was weird when I spewed some pessimistic world views on him... just wait till he sees my murder drawings. Art school is not that bad, if you forget the 80% of stereotypical art bullshit that comes out of art students. And I don't mean their art. I love art, I love everything about art. Visual anything gets me going. But not when art students open their mouths... those mouths need to stay shut. I'm being a hypocrite right now, because as much as my mouth is shut, this blog is still a fuck load of crap from my brain. I don't think I can categorize myself as an average art student though... and besides, all of their typical art crap comes from where they picked it up from, their country, their culture. I haven't got any of those things. I don't belong to any culture, and I don't have a country. So in the end I had to come up with my own art crap so I think that's why I am a little bit different. But whatever they tell you kids, being different is not all cool and all exciting. It's really hard and sometimes you just want to belong, but no one will take you in because they think you want to stand out.. ah it's a difficult situation. In the wise words of Moss "it's a pickle, Terry". And with that, I am going to bed.

why i love crystal castles

I feel like I need a post describing my undying love for Crystal Castles and Alice Glass.

They had me at Alice Practice, and I got absolutely hooked. They totally invented their own thing. When I listen to CC, I think of hard angular uncomfortable dangerous frightening things. I think of darkness, the kind of darkness that exists only in people's hearts. The kind of darkness that is so purely dark, it's almost like dark matter. CC makes me think of deep depression, of insomnia, of hysteria, of vile acts, of violence. Songs like Alice Practice, Love and Caring, Doe Deer disturb your mind, your ears, your little expectations. They drive a hole through your brain. And then songs like Black Panther, Baptism, even Vietnam make it all right again, like putting soothing creams on your aching back. This music punishes and gives you candy.

Their video for Courtship Dating couldn't be any simpler than it is, but I cannot get enough of it. Alice chewing on her hoodie's string. Ethan the sloth and the unknown drummer, all in some dark room with what seems like a strobe but could just be a light thats turning off/on.

Courtship Dating Video

And how about the newest video for Baptism?? It's not just a great fucking video, but Alice looks more alive than ever in it.

Baptism Video

Here are some of my favorite photos of Alice and the band:

Why am I obsessed with Alice? I don't know... that's a hard one. She is kind of like the 21st century cool role model. She is the new generation defining human. She is more ballsy than any of us, she is a true demon. She's got hard features on her face and you can never go wrong with panda eyes. Ethan the sloth (he totally looks like a sloth) is apparently a cool dude (yeah I totally know someone who hung out with them... I'm that awesome) but he still looks like a rapist. Maybe that's the look he's going for? Crystal Castles are the future of music. Everything else is dying, especially all those folk-y guitar-y stuff that's just getting on my nerves. Everyone needs to move to electronic music, nobody needs real instruments any more. Oh em. Such a radical thought.

snob snob in tate tate.. or how i went to the tate modern

Today was a lovely day. I went to see some art! That's always a beautiful day, but very exhausting. The problem with me going to see art is always the fact that I over-think everything. I can't just go to a show and look at some paintings and say "that's cool". I have to write a million notes, google everything later, go in the same rooms a million times sometimes, make spiteful comments at people in the museum, stare at the brushwork in one particular painting for 7 minutes, and then walk right past all the Picassos and the Dalis as people watch and think me either a lunatic or a person who knows nothing about art. Thankfully, I am a very proud lunatic.

The problem with museums is that anybody can go and see it all. I am going to sound like a total snob, but that's what artists are, right? WHY take a kid in a fucking crib to a museum? WHY bring light fold-away chairs?? WHY walk around aimlessly without taking anything in, as if you went for a walk in the park??? WHY say the most retarded shit that makes me turn around and spit and curse at you hoping you won't hear me.... argh I will never understand why we need museums for the sake that most people think we need them. I am a snob when it comes to a lot of things, but I am a super snob when it comes to art. Most people don't know anything about art, don't know in what form it exists, where to find it, how to look at it, what to do around it. It makes me so angry that art in its very obvious visual form will never be taken in as seriously as it needs to be. People don't understand how art IS imporant, how it is a tremendous part of life, and even if you think art doesn't touch you, you are so incredibly pathetic for thinking that.

Now of course after the rant I am going to post what I thought about my explorations in the Tate Modern. I managed to see 3 "parts" because that took me 2 hours and the museum was closing (haha) but I think it was very well spent time.

First of all, I went to the "Poetry and Dream" aka surrealists and such. Right at the start, I wrote "what is the big deal with Magritte and Miro?" I don't know why but those two artists I just never liked. They are not like Picasso, who you must love if you know nothing about art, and must hate if you think you know a bit about art. And they are not like Dali, whom you must hate hate hate. But for me, Magritte represents the type of art that looks very innocently "pure" (from the line work, the drawing itself) but at the same time totally covered up by the seriousness/surreality of it. I am not a fan. Miro is just boring. I don't think using bold colors is a statement, or a preference. Actually, I really dislike most of the colors he uses. And I am just not a fan of the "abstract" art form but on that later.

Overall, I am not even a fan of surrealism, but I can really like some paintings, or even artists. Big fan of De Chirico of course, he is the big dreamer. I mean his paintings really have some sort of dreamy thing going on, even when it's not as blatantly obvious as the (oh-oh...) Dali or the others. His dream sequences are nightmarish presented in sunlight and calmness, which just makes it so much worse. I liked the painting "A mi-voix" by Dorothy Tanning,

Matta's "Black Virtue" 

and went crazy when I saw Motherwell - all these art history classes didn't go to waste after all.

Like I said, Dali needs to be hated as much as possible, but Tanguy strikes me as the more interesting in terms of actual art. I am a big fan of Grosz because he is incredibly bitter and his works are soaked in hatred, spite, all these wonderful human emotions.

I sat through a film they were showing, "Meshes of the Afternoon" and it drove me crazy. Some scenes were so photocinematically perfect! And the whole thing, like a dream within a dream, within a dream, within... you get the point. It depicts a world stagnated in a circular kind of plot, where images, people, symbols are all repeated in the same scenes but with different alterations. Even though shot in totally real time, there is very little reality in the film, it just drives you nuts by the end. Great work.

I wrote down "Joan Arp (Hans Arp) - killer of individual thought concerning balance and composition in modern art" but I still have to figure that one out. I don't particularly enjoy Max Ernst, but I do like his "Entire City" and some other works as well that they had in the museum.

And then of course I went crazy about Francis Bacon. I've never seen so much in such a short period of time, and so I was overwhelmed and of course led me to think of art as dirty, unclean, suffering, painful, etc, all those things art should be and not always is. This is a very important thought I have about art in general, but not all art of course. There was a point in time when art could actually be positive, but I think now that idea is quite ridiculous. All art now is an answer to something, a reaction, a violence. We can no longer make peaceful, calm art, because we have lost the ability to do that. That is why we still fly to old art like moths to a light, because it is a rarity for us to think like that now, to imagine ourselves making serious calm art and not be laughed at afterwards. Bacon is raw and dirty, so is Joseph Beuys, but he is also a fucking lunatic!! You gotta love his "how to explain pictures to a dead hare" piece. Back to Bacon - his figures are self-conscious! Anyone else noticed that? I never have, until I read it on the wall and I realized that's so true.. As if his figures know they are in a painting, and don't want to be seen or stared at. How amazing is that?

Now abstract art. It's a hard thing to think about because there isn't much to think about really. * I like Dubuffet *I like when abstract and perspective collide.
I saw Newman and went crazy again (art history classes) but I also saw Clyfford Still's "1953" and I still like it. I liked it when we studied it, and I still enjoy it.

It has something different than all those other abstract expressionists, like Rothko is not so impressive really. Then there was a whole room of the artist Victor Pasmore. Who ever heard of this guy???

Kandinsky doesn't interest me in the slightest, is that bad? Or Andre Derain. Btw, his portrait of Matisse reminds me of Russian poet/my Dad's friend (?) Purin.

The last part I saw was "States of Flux" aka cubism, futurism, vorticism, etc. I was mostly brief here. Lichtenstein - never been a fan. And then "CUBISM IS SO BORING" hahaha... Cubism is too sterile to be an art. It's so mechanical and has no feeling in it, which is what they were going for, but it doesn't mean it was a good idea. I don't think art can be without the slightest emotion/something that moves you. It doesn't necessarily have to be screaming and crazy, but cubism .... I look at it and move on. It's not interesting to the eye, it's not very varied, it's not exciting with the brush work or any of that, it's just plain. Cubism has become an even bigger cliche than impressionism.

There was a room full of Soviet propaganda posters, literally from the floor to the ceiling!! It made me smile. Some of them are really genius. I loved how they did the Andy Warhol room - everywhere else in the museum the walls are white, just like anywhere else. Here they put this crazy wallpaper thing which is a Warhol print of a pink cow on a yellow background, repeated many times, so you walk into this neon bright room full of staring cows! Brilliant I think. I still like Rosenquist, and I still love Oldenburg. Op Art will never get boring and I enjoy Modigliani.

The last bit of writing has nothing to do with Tate Modern. "Walking on the Millenium Bridge afterwards I saw a sunset worthy of Turner's palette". Some people know that I am obsessed with Turner, especially his colors. Seeing something out of his painting in real life made me all happy and dazed.

It was a little bit like this.

And that is that. I love love love love love museums. It gives me more food for thought that anything else could ever do. Expect a follow up from Tate Britain and others (maybe).

sudafed - the new diet pills

Today I decided to write about my weird sickness, because right now I am waiting for my appetite to return, so that I can eat before I go outside. I am scared that even though I don't feel hungry, I know that my body is lacking in food and it's weak, and I am also prone to faints and such so I don't want to pass out in the middle of the street. Thus, I need to eat! But unfortunately the body is made in a way that when you are not hungry, it is virtually impossible to put anything in your stomach.

At first I thought my lack of appetite was due to my actual sickness. I had a fever, which usually makes you feel kind of oozy inside, definitely not wanting to eat. But then I got better, the fever was gone, and I still couldn't eat. It's troubling me, because I have a very healthy appetite, and I am always walking around hungry in the afternoons because that's how my metabolism works. Two nights ago I sat with my miniature dish of plain pasta and one cut up avocado for an hour and a half, and in the end I couldn't finish it. Yesterday I fried up one potato, which I ate, but then the Greek salad that I made had to be put in the fridge almost untouched. How can a person survive on this? The answer is... apparently, you can. I am still surviving and I even went out last night for a drink and was managing okay.

Today the problem wasn't solved. I am not as sick any more, and yet the appetite is still not here. I ate a piece of bread with cheese for breakfast, but the apple was too much, and now I am sitting trying to keep the apple down because it really wants to come back out. That is why I am still sitting at home. I am waiting for that feeling to pass, so I can eat something else, so that I know I am safe for the day.

I decided it must be the drugs I am taking for this sickness. I bought sudafed in the local pharmacy, just like the usual sudafed you can get in the States (I think....). I've been reading online a lot about it, but it seems that side effects don't include the loss of appetite. However, since the drug in sudafed is a stimulant, this could mean that the stimulant is just keeping my appetite away from me. Basically just like any normal stimulant, it promotes wakefulness and alertness. And diet pills are the same, right? So let's prescribe sudafed to all those mortally obese children in America. Oh god I sound like a crazy evil person. I'm not. I am just going a bit crazy because I am not eating.

To conclude - don't take sudafed kids. Just use the normal nose spray. It works too.
I finished my pack of sudafed, and now I am gonna use another decongestant drug instead, which doesn't have the stimulant substance.

None of this would have happened.... if only the weather in Wales was nicer. Also, can't seem to find tissues without "mint vapours". They do feel nice but they also hurt my skin and my eyes are always watering from them.

Student Union party tonight, I am probably going to use the night bus for the first time! I had a dream tonight that Sasha brought her whole ISP grade to my house, there were a hundred people, and we declared war on some under-developed country. I think my brain has gone insane, or maybe it was always this way. One day I will publish a book about my dreams. All those times I've gone to space, I participated in wars, in alternate dimensions, once I went to heaven... apparently, there are no limits to my dreams.

i want to go to space

A lot of my friends know that I am obsessed with space. But a lot of people don't know just how much I am obsessed with it.

Let me explain.

If an opportunity arose for me to go and live in space for months, years, etc, I would not hesitate for a second. I would leave my art, my friends/family, video making, education, everything, and go to space. I don't want to lead the life of the next semi-alright artist, the next undiscovered video maker, the next cool person on the town, the next person to live. I don't want to lead the life that many people have lead before me. I want to travel far into the universe, because humans are just little pests on the planet Earth, and I don't want to be another pest, another miserable worm. There is so much more out there than we could ever understand, but staying on Earth and thinking about it will never make us any closer to the rest of the world. I need to go there, I need to see the vastness of the universe, to feel the dark matter, to know that I am alone, and so be it.

What makes a human different from any regular animal? We can make art, and other animals can't. But think of this: if I was to go to space, to leave the comfort that Earth provides, that will make me an even more special human. And I think that's what we need to strive for, if we want to better our species, if we want to make the gap between humans and animals even bigger. We need to explore space more. And people need to stop complaining about how we're wasting too much money on space travel and space related things. People don't know how much we owe to space exploration! A lot of every day things that we take for granted were actually discovered for/in/because of space travel. So shut the fuck up and give 5 bucks a year so that one day the Mighty Kitten will be able to go visit Mars, and the Moon, and other galaxies.

New Gorillaz songs made me think of this today. My favorite is "Rhinestone Eyes" -
'while rain is falling like rhinestones from the sky'
I also love the visuals for "Superfast Jellyfish" and the song is fucking insane too -
'superfast superfast, I come in last, but just in time for breakfast'


My favorite song and video will always be Feel Good Inc.

My abs hurt from coughing all night.

london is my bff

"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well." Sylvia Plath.
Today I sit in bed, for the first time in over a week, and stare at my computer screen. I realized I haven't been reflective enough this past summer, I haven't done a lot of things.
"Let's all die,
Let's die my way" - Hadouken.
I've never been into quotes, but today these two are circulating in my mind, so I just have to.

I never thought that settling in a different city could be so easy. Then again I never thought I would hate living in one place for more than a couple of years. I am surprised I am not sick of Bloomington, Illinois state, IWU, America. It's been two years there, with short breaks here and there. I sit in London and I still miss it, maybe it was those breaks that prevented me from getting sick of it. Having said that, I am ready to move on and go to grad school, or get a job, or do something else. I am optimistic about IWU, but at the same time thinking that when I come back from London, I will still have 1.5 years left there makes me kind of uncertain. Is this my future then? Never staying in one place, I have no home.. all that crap?

Or maybe I just want to explore everything in the world, and 2 years for one place is enough? I don't know, it's certainly confusing. I feel like I will never settle anywhere, because even when I move away from a place, and visit it later, it doesn't excite me at all. I've visited Prague many times after I left to America, and yet every time I'm in Prague I hate it just the same... I am a little bit disappointed that I am only staying in London for 3 months. I would like to stay here for two semesters, but I haven't even started classes yet! Maybe I'm just overly excited and I shouldn't be because I get excited about everything too easily.

We went to Wales last week. It was definitely exciting, refreshingly beautiful. I loved the horses, the sheep, they made me happy, maybe just the fact that they're still alive and not eaten/abused by humans. Yeah, I'm an animal activist so what? Someone has to be. Maybe I am a walking stereotype, but at least people like me DO make SOME difference to the amount of animals killed for human pleasure every year, so at least that. But I also loved other things in Wales. I liked how people are so calm. I absolutely loved the sea, but then again I am crazy about water, and as someone once said, I'm a mermaid. Here's a picture:

Picture taken by Chris Terrell.

I liked other things. How the pubs/bars/clubs were straight out of the 90s or early 2000s, how our homestay's family cat was suuuuuper fat and cute. The boats, the water (again)... yeah, I liked everything about it.

Now as for London... I don't even know where to begin! I love the tube, the buses, the long walks, the architecture, the people, the hipsters and others similar, the million other nationalities, "mind the gap", musicians in tube stations... Well, I realized this summer I really like the subway/metro/tube/underground .. it's called different in every country. The point is, I love it! I'm kind of obsessed with it even. I don't know why, but in every city I travel to, I always want to go on the trains and figure it out, and it's always my favorite type of transport, and I love everything about it. Here in London I love how the ceilings are low, how changing from one line to another is kind of like walking through a labyrinth sometimes. I like the musicians (as I already mentioned), the posters, the brick walls, the crowds, the trains themselves, the seats, the announcing lady... basically, I'm completely obsessed. Maybe one of those days I will just go on the tube, spend hours just travelling on the tube, people watching, maybe do some sketches as well.

I like everyone in my group (visiting students), I like the things we do, I like my college (Goldsmiths) because it's awesome and such. I can't wait to start working in my studio, I can't wait to draw and do artsy stuff, I can't wait to just ... do everything. I want to do music videos, and just film stuff in general, I want to be on the radio, I want to go to Tate Britain and pray in front of Turner and Gainsborough.