so what's the use between death and glory?

Happy endings, no they never bored me
Happy endings, they still don't bore me.

Babyshambles =^.^=
It's that kind of day. I'm just gonna show some cool pics cause it's that kind of day. Ahhlalalalaa...

Pete is such a sweetheart!!

I really really want a black German shepherd puppy.... I know they grow into big dogs. That's what I want.. to watch my puppy grow into a large ferocious beast that would actually be a total sweetheart. Black German shepherds are so fucking beautiful. Could you imagine, my black cat Panther and then a black dog.. I'm such a witch!!! Someone suggested I should just wear all black and make it my "thing" haha... maybe I will do that. But I like wearing colorful stripes too... anyways.

Aren't they the most beautiful creatures? I don't think my cat would like it very much if she knew that I wanted a black puppy. She would probably enslave him and dominate him haha... she is such a bitch when it comes to attention. She wants me all to herself!

Some albino animals are amazing.

These are amazing:

I just watched Enter the Void recently... WOOOWW

Watched Animatrix recently again... My favorite part is the haunted house and the lost cat :3

Finally, how can we forget about the Mighty Boosh???

That last one was the best! Haha... okay I'm off to clean the house. for real.

been feelin the gay lion vibez

Hello world! Feeling weird today. But that's nothing new. Been listening to the yeah yeah yeahs all day instead of doing work/ going to work. A lot of things just put me in a very weird mood.


I was reading about domestic violence/relationship abuse articles all morning, not sure why. Feeling a major inspiration for a new script coming up. So me and Alex have been having this thing about gay lions for a few days... Not sure how it started. I think it was the weird cat/owl/alien thing he drew on my arm, and then a few days later we googled it and got this, inverted color and sides:

For some reason Alex called it gay lions. And now the whole gay lions vibe is going around my head.

I decided to listen to last.fm for like the first time in years. Me and friends used last.fm waaaay before anyone knew about it, before facebook or something like that. But anyway, so I typed in Yeah Yeah Yeahs radio and.... they played "Pin" and now playing Crystal Castles "Celestica". HOW are CC related musically to YYYs?? It doesn't make any sense.

But more than anything, I've been obsessing over Yeah Yeah Yeahs' "Gold Lion" song.

Outside, Inside,
This is the moon without a tide,
We'll build a fire in your eyes,
We'll build a fire when the cover's getting brighter,
Cold desire makes the moon without a tide

Last night everyone was feeling very weird. I've been having really vivid dreams that are so much like reality but strangely inverted/surrealistic/as if reality took some acid and munched on a few shrooms too. Like my cats are present in every dream. One time I dreamt Enzo and Panther had kitties (which is impossible in real life cause they're fixed) and there were two black kittens and two ginger kittens. Again, impossible in real life because they are both black cats, how could they possibly make ginger kitties?

Last night we had a sleepover of sorts because it was a scary night to be alone. I read a huge encyclopedia about the universe and it was beautiful and possibly was the reason for my strange mood today. But everything has been strange. Last night everyone was feeling strange, or at least two people. The moon was so bright and left a beautiful illumination on the clouds near to it, with an orange glow on the very edges. It was scary, everything was empty. It was like everyone disappeared from the world. And everyone that was left was a character from a post-apocalyptic novel, scavenging for food and resources, like that stupid movie Mad Max II. Listening to the same song over and over is also not helping. What if the world really is going to end really soon, in my lifetime? Would I survive, and the others that I know, or would I be left all alone in the debris of corpses and death? Or would someone else I know be left alone in the emotional delusion and I will be safely dead?

  

gummo and stuff

Enzo just crawled into a box again, he is so funny. Sometimes he is such a kitten still, he crawled on my lap today and started hypnotizing me with his super lovey eyes and purring. When panther does it it's more elegant and mature, but he is such a little kitten still.

That's not what I wanted to write about today.

I just watched Gummo for the first time. Well, I have to say it was just my kind of movie.

I think there are separate levels on which I enjoyed Gummo. First of all, everything desolate and pointless, life-is-meaningless depressing waste of space, boredom and apathy: those kind of themes are my obsessions. What's the point of making a film about happiness, when it's pretty obvious that life is completely as dull and pathetic as the lives of the feral cats that the boys hunt in Gummo.

Secondly, Solomon is the perfect anti-hero. He definitely doesn't look like any other kid in the world.

I like how every character in this movie looks very bizarre physically. The sisters have bleached hair and eye brows, and then this other character shaves her eyebrows off. It instantly made me want to shave mine off, to look like an alien. I might do it in the summer just for the hell of it.

I love the bunny boy. Actually, when I was downloading Gummo I came across "Bunny Gamer" by Xiu Xiu and the bunny boy should always have Bunny Gamer playing as the soundtrack to his persona.

Gummo is like the ultimate white trash portrayal and as you may know, I am completely fascinated and obsessed with the idea of white trash and anything remotely related to it. I find it the best cure for the dullness of the real world- to fight with more dullness of the real world I guess? I don't know.

I didn't even like the movie Kids, I see why it has a cult following but it just wasn't my thing, I think it was too structured for me, or maybe the themes were too obviously stated, or I don't know... I like the lack of plots and linear structure. I like movies that have no linear structure and that could have been any days in the lives of those characters. In a way Kids is like that, but I feel like it has a  definite beginning and end, whereas Gummo or Ken Park don't.

Also watched The Holy Mountain recently.

I really liked the first half of the film, and the ending. I loved the story of "Jesus", everything from the toad circus to how he got drunk and they made statues from him, and how he carried Jesus around and ate its face. How he met the Alchemist and did a shit in a glass jar and they made gold out of it, and how the other characters were introduced. Once they started searching/going to the mountain my interest just fell completely. I do love the ending though, that was genius. But the main plot line just wasn't that good.. I mean if the guy can film all these beautiful scenes about nothing, why can't he have done the same with the plot? It just blends in visually and after all that eye-candy in the beginning, the actual plot is dull. I still really enjoyed it, but I would rather have no actual plot to search for the mountain, just more randomness and strangeness.

What else has been going on? I am obsessing over Xiu Xiu and wrote a script for two songs for a video project.

It's been pretty warm out recently so I am wearing shorts.

I pretended to play the cello at Alex's house last night.

Almond vegan cheese is so incredibly tasty!

I made a webcam video about strange things and I remember I was telling someone about it last night, but totally forgot who. Oh wellsz.

Oh saw this guy play last night at the former BabeRage house. Amazing I was so impressed. And of course, Teaadora was as beautiful and lovely and amazing as ever.

IM GONNA F*** YOUR FACE UP

cuz its ugly like YO sistAH

Ah Hadouken always always put me in the mood for raving.

Me Valik and Sasha are in this photo :D Oh my, how I miss Heartbeats nights, especially that one time there were no people left in the club and the DJs just played whatever we wanted to dance to, it was amazing, the whole club to ourselves! Missing Damian and the Bulgarian and even Dmitry who once just offered us a bottle of lemon vodka and we politely declined.

I feel like Heartbeats was something to call home, my scene with all the crazy electro kids trying to dance like those crazy Frenchies with their Tecktonik and as you can see, the multi-colored skinny jeans and shirts and super awesome sneakers were in fashion back in 2006-2007, waaaaay before they reached America. Yep, even in Prague people knew what's up. So many good nights, so many good memories. I heard dMIT.RY still DJs but don't know anything about Damian or anyone else. Oh gosh I just remembered the "Rabbit". I had a dream once and she was in it.

Enough reminiscing for now I guess. I might try and see if dMIT.RY is DJing in Prague this summer when I'm there, hopefully in for a good night?

Enzo the cat is just chillin in the box all evening, what a strange cat. Panther keeps walking past and giving him "the look" that basically says "you're such an idiot, why in the world do I have to live with you?? ah I guess it can't be helped. Idiot." I have a picture of him sitting in my bag but I can't transfer photos from my phone (it's ancient) but it was epic. So epic.

Listening to "Jeffer" by Boys Noize... Such an amazing song, I remember I used to be completely obsessed with it when the album came out. I still am, but less now I guess cause I've moved on a bit. Still, Boys Noize will never eveeeer die in my heart.

about more

After writing all that down last night, I wanted to write more today, but these are all gonna be from Russia.

Remember when I caught your eye
You gave me rainbows and butterflies
We did enjoy a happiness

That's MSTRKRFT's "Heartbreaker" the first 3 lines cause the rest is not about what I am gonna write about.

Remember when I used to watch you in class, you'd run around with the boys and I thought you were scary. When we ended up talking to each other at the stop and became really good friends. The times I used to come over to your house before classes and we would pretend to be something else. The times at night you did ballet and I laughed so much. When we fought over the recorder trying to sing and imagining to be famous one day. When we sent each other letters with drawings of our wedding dresses. When we decided to meditate together from opposite sides of the universe. When you sent me a crumbled up incense stick. When we walked around for hours drinking Schweppes. When we spent all summer painting the backdrop for our play. When we changed clothes on my birthday and took pictures. When we didn't talk to each other the whole day but still spent it together. When we used to catch frogs. When we sat on your balcony at night. When you were self-conscious all summer. When I came to visit you in the hospital one time. The times we were obsessed with one brand of chewing gum. When I forgot your birthday and you were so furious. I could go on for days.

Different people. Remember when we played with little toys all night and stole champaign. When you came to my birthday and it ended up being awkward. When my grandpa thought you were awesome. When we played king of the hill at night in the snow. The time we climbed up on the scaffolding. When we had to be friends because she was not there. When you commented on my zipper. When I was really annoyed but went with you anyway. When those grannies were giving us a weird look. When I was really sick and you ate a lemon. When I texted you instead of her and it was awkward.

SHE SHOULD HAVE DIED WHEN SHE WAS BORN.

Lately my posts have been dark and strange, and someone told me they sound like suicide notes. THEY ARE NOT. Pfft. I just like being dark once in a while.

Remember when I used to dance with you but always wanted to dance with your friend. When you used to hug me every day when I came to stand in line. When we sat in the bushes one time and you escaped through the gate, we all thought you were so daring. When I hated you because your face was always so dirty. When your Dad showed up already half-drunk. When I lost my shoe and you helped me out. When we read my book together. When I didn't win the competition but you did.

why doesn't someone stop me????

It's like that We Are Scientists song "Inaction" with these lyrics:

Counting on my relative friends
When this keeps coming up again and again
If everybody knows how its gonna end,
why doesn't someone stop me?

Because I'm sick of waking up on your floor,
for the sixth or seventh night in a row
I'm lying next to you in all of my clothes - someone stop me


I don't know where this post is going, I just have so many thoughts in my mind right now. Went on a glorious bike ride with Alex today, but because I am out of shape and haven't been treating my body properly lately, got super tired and now lying on the couch nursing multiple pulled muscles and other injuries from the previous days.


I have numerous bruises all over my body, mainly on my legs and a few on my arms from dancing outside by the fire to EGYPTNLVR by oOoOO, Magnetic Man, Crystal Castles and god knows what else, until 5 in the morning. I pulled a muscle in my left calf and I have no idea how, probably from that weird crate that had me falling into it all the time. My left wrist still hurts from my bike but I don't know why, I just know it's caused by my bike somehow. WHY DOESNT SOMEONE STOP ME.


My cat has been sick but she's getting better. I wish I could help her more than just shoving medicine down her throat and petting her when she comes to lie with me. IM LYING NEXT TO YOU IN ALL OF MY CLOTHES       I fell asleep on Alex's couch last night watching Cowboy Bebop, slept for 14 hours straight with weird nightmares and very vivid dreams.


The party's alright, I might wanna stop drinking
What were we talking about?
My body won't tell my mind what I've been thinking
Before it's outta my mouth
Ooohhh


That's another We Are Scientists song, "Can't Lose".


I OUGHTTA GET OVER MYSELF cuz everybody says so. Maybe they are right and I am wrong.
Gah I hate Sunday nights so much. They are the loneliest time of the week. Start getting strange thoughts into my head, figuring life out a little bit though that sounds so cliche and stupid. I hate Sunday nights because they make me think of infinite SPACE and how I will probably never go there, a dream failed. It makes me think of summer nights outside under the stars, the time that boy punched out a window and we sat talking about light pollution. Or the time I sat under pouring rain with you drinking wine and talking about life, getting eaten by mosquitoes severely. Or that one time we sat on your roof and ran out of orange juice. Or the time you showed me your favorite childhood movie and for the first time ever we sat in your living room watching TV, not your laptop. Or when we were in a cab and you were talking about your three cats. Or the time your crazy friend drove us on some abandoned road and we all bumped our heads on the ceiling. These are all different people in each sentence. I can keep going.


When we used to kick the beer cans around like soccer balls. The times we walked up to that house being built and it was spooky. When I saw you putting the strobe to your face and wanted to die at that moment, and then when I watched your videos religiously for months straight. When we all moshed on the dirty floor hugging it out half the time. When we had a two-person dance party and I lay on the floor pretending to be a cat. When we had a two-person dance party and it was so hot in the room. When we sat outside at night and you were trying to make me feel better but my emotions were shut down anyway. When someone told me I am black inside. And when someone told me I am pure inside. When we sat in my room and I gave you my dress to wear and talked about shaving legs, and then another time when you opened up to me for the first time. When I got a text from you how you had to be with your parents and I was so furious I listened to metal for hours. When you drew me a picture in class and gave it to me afterwards. When we drew strange pictures for an hour and didn't listen to the lectures. When we all would hang out in the forest after classes and I felt so awkward but went anyway. The time I was concerned about you more than anyone else there. The times we used to take an afternoon nap together and you would purr the whole way through. The time you came out of the cage just for me and trusted me even though you were so scared. The times you used to climb up my legs to get on to the couch because you were too tiny to jump. And the times you used to steal food right off my fork.


When I used to get frustrated at how slowly you could eat your snacks and I would eat them quickly and watch you finish yours with envy. When I was more upset than any other time in my entire life but you had no idea about it. When a song still reminds me of you and those times in the bar, even though it's not a sad song at all. When you made me paranoid. When you read stupid books. When you ruined my coloring books by making Tom and Jerry red and sky-blue.


When we all drank fancy cocktails on your birthday and then saved the bill, and then when we went out to the fields one time and brought straw to your house and you were all scared to wake me up the next day. The time I used to not know you at all, and then once we sat on the steps looking at my cat book. The time I came in our drawing room to draw the trash and everyone was laughing at me but in a good way. The time that pizza flew on the floor but you ate it anyway. The time we had beer and grapes, and then when you made fried potatoes and we watched an old Russian movie. When we sat in that cafe talking alone for the first time. The time I told my name about 60 times in one night, but only about 2 people remembered it.


Remember the time you didn't know me, the time you knew me, and the time you regretted knowing me or not knowing me?


When we ran around the forest on your birthday dancing and drinking wine and eating cake. When we dressed up in weird clothes and froze to death outside, or when we had to do about 15 takes of one scene because you had the giggles. Remember when we sat on the couch together and it was kind of fun. Or when we walked home and it was kind of fun too. Or when I gave you a bunch of my art. Or when I rode in your car and you ate a banana. The time I drove on the highway almost shitting myself from fear.  The time we walked around giggling all day and making up new words. When I put you on your swing and sat there telling you my life story. The time you were making up stories all day and it was cute.


The time I woke up thinking of nothing else but. And the time I woke up thinking of absolutely nothing. And then everything. The time I stayed up all night chatting on skype and then another night I wrote a poem about death. The night you came over and we drank wine and then another night I got to know a homeless person. The night you came over and we drank wine and then another time we stood on the platform. And then the night I came over for a drink and we shared music.


The time you would save up all your food for guests, and the last night. The time you punched him. The time I wanted to be baptised. The day I got baptised. The time we fought all lunch break and then you lost your watch and blamed me and wouldn't talk to me, and then the time we used to write to each other in my notebook instead of talking. The day I randomly met you on the street. The place we always used to meet.


Gosh I hope no one is actually reading this mushy stuff, it's so long and boring. Most of these memories are not from college, some are from London though. Actually I think only about two or three are about college. Meh I guess a lot of them could be with any person really but to me they are very specific memories. My cats are fighting right now. Time to sleep.

saturday mornings yeah

Come
Dowsed in mud
Soaked in bleach
As I want you to be
As a trend
As a friend

How awesome are they??

Like fairies in the future or something like that.