vegans

Today I was scrolling through Huffington Post and found an article from a vegan about what do vegans eat. So then I thought, I don't actually eat half of those things. I know, everyone is different and people eat different things, but for some reason I am finding that I don't eat the usual things that most other vegans eat. My friends always laugh at me when they ask what I had for dinner and I will say "potato" or "baked apple". This isn't entirely true: I don't just eat plain potatoes and apples, if I did I would probably be as skinny as a twig. I just don't ever feel like elaborating on my (sometimes) very complicated meals, consisting of many parts. I am trying to balance eating healthy, eating my favorite things, eating cheap and most importantly, always eating a strictly vegan diet.
So for example, when I say I had a baked potato? That's code for: I stuck a potato in the microwave for 8 minutes, made a spinach-tomato-some other vegetable salad and my own dressing; then I cut up the potato and put either olive oil and salt, or if I need some protein, top it with chickpeas or lentils and salsa. Then I eat all of that. Then I make tea or coffee and eat a fruit with it, or if I'm feeling more cheeky, something sweeter, like chocolate if I have some or anything of that kind.
If I say I had lentils for lunch, this usually means: I made lentils for lunch for work, but at work I am actually usually eating lentils, some vegetable (broccoli, mushrooms or peppers are the usual), a banana, an apple or an orange. So, it's not actually that boring.
When I said I had baked an apple that one time, what actually happened was I ate a vegan sausage (yes sometimes I like to eat processed foods, big deal!), lots of celery sticks and had a beer. Then I baked an apple, but before I stuck it in the oven I cut out the core of it and stuffed it with oats, brown sugar, cinnamon, chocolate chips and baked it, and then ate it as dessert. It was goddamn delicious.
When I say I make tacos, I stir-fry garlic, green pepper, black beans until cooked. Then I puff up corn tortillas in the microwave. Then I put together the best tacos: my stir-fried stuff, spinach, tomato, salsa and guac that I make myself also. Guac consists of avocado, onion, tomato, lime juice, salt, pepper and a secret ingredient that I won't tell anyone.
When I make oatmeal, right now my favorite things to add are: quinoa flakes, chia seeds, coconut sugar, cinnamon. Sometimes I add chocolate chips if I want something sweeter. How do you make your oatmeal?
Sometimes I like to make more elaborate things that are hard to find in vegan versions, like for example spicy Thai noodle soup type of thing I made last night: great for when it's cold out and it's so heart-warming. I use coconut milk, lemon grass, hot red pepper sauce type of thing, jalapenos (fresh), tofu, lots of vegetables, ginger, noodles, soy sauce and vegetable stock. It is absolutely to die for!
I also make lots of stir-fries, stews and salads because they are all incredibly easy to do. The other day I made watermelon curry from the vegan stoner website, and it was a bit bland but hey, at least I am trying new things all the time! Also recently I've made a baked sweet potato with steamed kale and spinach and olives and mushrooms. THAT, my friends, was amazing.
I like to make a lot of "Indian" foods too, like spinach-chickpea thing, or chickpea-tomato thing.
Everything I make is incredibly easy to do and usually takes no more than half hour preparation and cooking. I like my food as fresh as possible, so I try to leave as many ingredients as fresh as possible. If I stir-fry veggies, I only leave them on the stove until they are hot and then immediately take them off. If I make salad, I try to use all ingredients fresh. If it's soup, I use pre-made stock, and everything else I add just for a few minutes before the liquid starts boiling.
Fresh food is the best food. Eating correctly is of the utmost importance. It's your body, which you need to live in for many decades, why don't you take better care of it? It's really not that hard. I taught myself how to cook properly around the same time I made the transition from vegetarian to vegan. Now I get excited to try new things, even if they contain things I don't like. I actually legitimately taught myself to like oatmeal, and now I absolutely love it! I am not a big fan of beets, and I made a salad with beets about two months ago. Unfortunately, I still don't like beets, but at least I am trying, all the time. I make the most unlikely combinations of foods, and most of the time they turn out amazing! The other day I made tomato soup (from a can) with rice and lots of spices, but it was missing something. So I added brown sugar. Weird, I know! But the taste turned out just exactly right. One thing I won't ever eat: anything that tastes like liquorice. So no fennel or anything similar. Or mint! I like mint gum, minty toothpaste and Mojitos, but that is it. But if I read an incredibly interesting recipe with mint, I would most likely try it!
All I am saying is, people are so dumb when it comes to food. There are so many options and yet you end up eating paste and red sauce, just like in that Huffington Post article from that one vegan. I mean, I have nothing against her, but I am just saying.. come on! Make your life more exciting.

Money and other personal matters

Let's talk about money.
First of all, I hate when people talk about money. I hate when people compare how much they make, how much they spend. I hate when people ask how much is my rent, or how much I get paid, or how I am surviving living in the city with a part-time job that barely pays anything. (as a side note, obviously I talk about those things with my close friends, but this post is about other people.. people I don't know so well).
I mean, think about how personal those questions are! Whichever way I answer the question about how I am surviving financially, I will get judged for it. For some reason, any financial situation of any person, unless they have a good paying 9to5 job, is up for scrutiny by other people. Whether my parents support me, my partner supports me, I have inexhaustible funds of a deceased relative, whether I save up all my money and eat ramen and carrot sticks every day, whether I rob banks... Whatever the answer, I will get judged for it. Apparently in this day and age the only suitable way to live is to make your own goddamn money and flaunt it in front of everyone. Well I got news for you - not everybody wants to sit at a desk and file papers or count baseball caps or make spreadsheets for a living. Some people have bigger dreams and sometimes that requires a struggling financial situation. So stop worrying about other people's money and go buy yourself a nice tie.
Secondly, I hate that money exists, I hate that it structures our lives, I hate that sometimes commodities cost more than useless crap, like a loaf of bread versus lollipops. I am not going to start a rant about unfair food prices and materialism, I just want to say the simple truth that crosses everybody's mind once in a while: money is evil, but without money we wouldn't survive the way we do now. It's a no-win situation either way. 

"Warm Bodies" - Proving undying love, literally

Every time I go to the movies, it rains. I seem to choose all the wrong days to shuffle down  Chicago streets soaked to the bone in anticipation of the next big feature. Not that I watch movies very often, but once in a while a trailer sparks my curiosity.

That’s what happened with Jonathan Levine’s “Warm Bodies” with the incredibly gorgeous and well-known (in the UK) actor Nicholas Hoult. I remember when he played a cocky heartthrob in the British teen drama “Skins” for the first two seasons, and how he appeared on Nevermind the Buzzcocks with Simon Amstell still hosting the show. Those were the days of Nick Hoult being innocently evil, sugar-coated in flirtatious teenagery and killing his female generation’s hearts with a crooked smile. Now having put all that behind him, he stars in a zombie movie. If it was anybody else, I would be skeptical and never end up leaving my house for some romantic zombie movie in the middle of a Chicago rainy winter. But there is something alluring about Nick Hoult, helped by the fact that apparently he’s got another movie coming out, and as I sat in the movie theater waiting for “Warm Bodies” to start, I saw a trailer for “Jack the Giant Slayer” that he also stars in. Good for him, since not a lot of British actors make it out to the big world of cinema (aka movies they show in the United States).

I am going to be honest: I loved it! “Warm Bodies” is a combination of everything I love to hate about current commercial cinema, with its overly simplified characters and a somewhat alluring plot line. John Malkovich portrays an annoyingly skeptical father figure wielding guns and severe justice in the form of “shoot first, ask questions later”. He is probably the weakest link in the entire hour and half of action, although without him there would be no twist toward the end.

It didn’t hit me until about three quarters into the movie that there is a catch: her name is Julie, his name starts with an R. Her wannna-be nurse friend is Nora. There is a balcony scene. Yes, it smells like Shakespeare and that smartly weaved-in idea tarnishes the movie just a tiny bit. However, I probably should mention that if somebody hadn’t pointed it out to me, I would not even have noticed. The subtlety of this gesture to our all-time favorite playwright makes the movie seem more intelligent and upscale instead of cheap and vulgar.

The main premise of the movie is a clever twist on an otherwise overused story of zombies versus humans. What if zombies came back to life, again? What if underneath all the dead skin and the grunting and the slow shuffle there are still feelings and thoughts left? What if they can be turned back to being alive, with actual blood pumping and hearts beating? Of course the soppy solution is falling in love, but we are talking about a romantic movie after all. The scene with Julie’s and R’s first kiss was ingenious because it almost made me scream out loud: death breath, dead teeth, gross!

What makes the movie really lovable are the characters, especially Nick Hoult’s lovely portrayal of an intelligent zombie in love. He is so sweet that we somehow forget that at the beginning he eats the brains of Julie’s boyfriend and manages to manipulate her into liking him partly by having her boyfriend’s memories. We also turn a blind eye to the many questions that arise, such as: how did the zombies appear in the first place, why is R different than the others and why do the “Boneys” run so fast whereas your ordinary zombie is slower than a turtle?

It’s not the most thought-provoking film out there, I will admit. But the sincerity of the story and the brilliant portrayal of zombie feelings left me with a warm feeling and a positive outlook on any future upcoming zombie apocalypse. This movie manages to make you fall in love with actual walking corpses, and to root for their survival even though they feast on human flesh. That, in my opinion, is quite an achievement.

P.S. Funny ending to my story: when I came home, my roommate was watching “The Walking Dead”. Coincidences don’t just happen.

Deep thoughts

I just wanted to take a second to write down some quick thoughts. I wrote down today something along the lines of “I have tattoos and cat slippers” and it got me thinking: who am I?

A lot of times I get put in a category of people, one or another, for only one thing that I do or represent. For example, as I just mentioned, I have tattoos. So people think I am a badass, that I’m into rock/metal/etc and all those shenanigans, that I don’t care for my future (cause apparently nobody with a tattoo can ever get a job.... right?) and many other things similar. I also have cat slippers and cat mugs and I have adopted a cat a while back and I post cat pictures on my friends’ walls on Facebook and generally, I just enjoy cats. So people assume I am a crazy anti-social cat lady shut-in, a younger version of the log lady, eccentric and awkward at the same time. Then some other people think that because I work at an art gallery that I make a ton of money and that my job is “super cool”. And then other people, finding out that I am Russian, start pestering me with annoying questions about it or assume I don’t speak English very well. This list can go on forever, but the point is, I am none of those people, and yet I am all of those people at once.

I am a badass when I want to be, and I am a cuddly cat lady when the badass goes on holiday, when I am home alone canoodling with my Pan-pan, when it’s freezing outside and I am lying in bed in my heated blanket with my cat tea cup. When I dress for work, I invite the badass back into my life, or when I am going out, or when I am going to a concert.

I do think my job is pretty awesome because I enjoy it (most of the time), it’s not overly hard, it’s intellectual (some of the times), and most importantly, I have learned more about art doing this job than four years of college art history education. Yeah, beat that, Illinois Wesleyan University! But at the same time I barely make any money on it and I would rather have a job that does both: stimulate my brain and stimulate my bank account.

I am Russian, that is correct, but I barely know anything about the country, although I know infinitely more about it than most people on the street. I know a lot of my country’s history, especially the first half of the 20th century, I have read many Russian authors and have been to many Russian museums. I lived in that country and I have my own personal experiences of the changes that it underwent, and still is undergoing. But I hate answering questions about it unless the person is genuinely interested, not just asking me for a tourists’ guide or wanting to hear the usual stereotypes (yes we drink a lot, especially vodka; yes it is a police state; yes it is cold, at least where I am from; yes some people still worship Stalin; yes there is such a phenomenon as “babushka”). But you know what, I also put a lot of effort into learning English, perfecting an accent so I can be easily disguised as an American. This quality has helped me a lot in meeting people, first impressions, interesting conversations, but also has led to a lot of annoying questions, when every single person I ever meet says the same thing: where are you from? oh wow you don’t even sound foreign, how come? Because apparently being foreign is all about the accent.

I am also a lot of other things. I am an artist, although I think I am incredibly shy about it and would rather people didn’t acknowledge it too much. I also don’t like most other art people, which makes my life a bit hard, especially because I hate self-promoting. I am a writer, although very few people have ever read what I have written, and most of the time I think I write total trash because I write to entertain myself and let out some thoughts. I make videos and I like making music videos especially but I hate most music and I would rather always work alone, although video making usually requires more than one person. I do want to put on a play one day, and I want to write a very original screenplay and direct it. I also like to travel a lot, but mostly on my own. I also like to cook and I make very delicious things, if I may say so myself (don’t believe me? ask my friends). That doesn’t mean I make elaborate things and it doesn’t mean I frown upon other people’s food, although I give that impression because I don’t eat most things, seeing as how I am vegan. But being vegan doesn’t mean I hate meat-eaters, and it doesn’t mean I preach about it. I like talking about food A LOT and hearing other people’s opinions and experiences, and I never tell somebody that what they’re eating is wrong or unhealthy. The biggest judge of food is me, and I only ever judge myself for what I am eating.

I really like reading, but in some ways I am very picky about books. I mostly only enjoy fiction (unless it’s books on awesome history or the universe expanding or about art), and I mostly enjoy novels. And on top of that, I mostly enjoy old-er books, not new-er. If something really excites me in what I am reading, I have to talk about it, and that goes the same for when I watch a film that I really like. Films are hard, because I like watching them but most of the time my attention span is too short so I watch most movies in halves. However, there is a handful of films that I have liked for a very long time, and I can re-watch those to death and beyond. Pulp Fiction and the Fifth Element - I am looking at you.

I also really like dressing up, I like to take time and put a lot of effort into how I look. I can never leave the house without wearing at least something decent and appropriate. I am a bit of a snob when it comes to how other people dress, for example I could never date somebody who wears awful shoes or if their standard uniform consists of sweatpants or a Northface jacket. I am quite a vain person, and I am not going to deny it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving yourself, if more people did it, the universe would be an easier place to exist. I also understand that as long as I like myself and therefore put effort into looking good, then all is well and it makes me happier and more content. Doesn’t everyone feel that way? Then why do people leave their house in PJs to go grocery shopping?

Deep thoughts. I did just write “Depp” and had to go back and re-write it. Johnny Depp, he is a cool guy.

Being Female, a personal tale

Hello World! I am writing today from my poor infected bedroom with an army of phlegm and tea cups, in other words I caught a cold. Everyone in Chicago is dying from the crazy flu that has taken over the city, but I’m just sitting here with my sore throat and my snot, ears ringing but no fever, no chills, nothing of the sort. Every time it happens this way: everybody gets sick properly, I just float in my own self-pity. Not that I want to be more sick, no way! I just think it’s pathetic that I can withstand every goddamn flu epidemic in every place I’ve ever lived, mind you, without ever getting a flu shot! But those damn normal colds, I just can’t get enough of them.

Anyway, from being stuck at home for many days (and sometimes eating popcorn for dinner.. because when I am sick I can’t taste anything, so I just want to eat foods that have a LOT of taste... or just comfort foods I guess... or something that can make itself in the microwave in two minutes) I have been reading a lot of online subpar journalism. There is that horrible Esquire piece on Megan Fox (http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/this-interview-with-megan-fox-is-the-worst-thing-ever-written-esquire), then there are feminist articles, anti-feminist, misogynist, and so on. I always wonder, why does the world hate women so much, that’s like half of the world’s population, despised! Mistreated, misunderstood, misused, just plain hated. It’s so strange to me, how did people ever decide, in the Ancient worlds far gone, that women are somehow inferior. Every single thing that anybody ever does or says or works on somehow can always lead to woman-hating.

I won’t intrude on other people’s experiences, I only have my own to speak of and address. So I will start with those.

When I was a kid in school (still in Russia), I remember I got into a few fights with boys in my class. One time it was because this asshole threw his half-eaten apple into my yogurt, which was almost full, so that I lost my lunch and got my desk covered in pink slime all at the same time. I chased him around the classroom, caught him, but before I could do anything, the teacher came in and told me that there is no fighting allowed. I told her what he did, and she just said “mind your own business”. But at the same time, she would see boys fighting with boys and never said a word. She prevented me from picking a fight with a boy that did something wrong. Perhaps in her strange mind she figured it was for the better, so that I won’t get hurt, but honestly that is my right, my decision, not hers.

Another time, I don’t remember why, but I was wrestling with this other boy and the teacher walked in (another one). She sent me to the nurse, but the boy was allowed to stay in the classroom. When I got to the nurse, she tried giving me some sort of calming herbal thing, and I protested, because I couldn’t understand why I was told I was being irrational, while the boy was left alone.

Then I grew up and stopped picking fights with boys, not because I was afraid or anything of the sort, but mostly because I didn’t want the boys to stoop so low in their friends’ eyes and hit a girl. Which I am kind of confused about. On the one hand if everyone is equal, boys and girls and men and women should be able to hit each other, right? But on the other hand violence against women is disgusting. So I guess what I am trying to say is, it is never okay to hit another human being, but especially women or children, because they tend to be less strong physically. I abhor violence completely and think it should only be used, if ever, in self-defense or defense of others, not just innocent people, but anybody because humans can never be the judges of who deserves that sort of punishment and who doesn’t.

I am getting off topic. I started talking about women and now I’m talking about violence, so back to my original topic.

Being a grown up woman I face disturbingly misogynistic situations all the time. When I am cat-called on the street or when people shout things at me on the street, it makes me very upset. It usually makes me feel extremely unsafe and I am never sure how to react in those situations, whether I should be cold, or if I should reply or ignore, I am never sure what is the best action to get myself safe out of the whole situation. I remember one time in the summer I was walking to the grocery store, in the morning! and this man was sitting on the steps of someone’s house, I think he might have been homeless, and he made a comment about my breasts. Very unpleasant, so I decided to just ignore him and continue walking. To my horror he got up as I passed him, followed me for about two steps and shouted “what’s wrong with you, you stuck up albino bitch”. Yeah, I am not joking, those were his exact words. What should I have done in this situation? Should I have responded to his first comment? But how? Why should I even have to put up with this horrible man who diminishes my whole person to a pair of breasts and my blonde hair? It isn’t fair that when I passed him on the street, all I thought of him was that he seemed hungry, angry and lonely. And yet I didn’t torment him, and why would I? So why did he torment me? Why do men torment women in this way, why do they feel the need to say something to a girl walking? Can someone explain this to me, because I don’t understand.

When I see someone walking their dog and the dog is very cute and I really want to pet him/her, I walk up to the owner and tell them their dog is really cute and ask if I can say hello. I have never been turned down and so I proceed so say hello to the dog, pet him/her, and usually ask for their name and bid them a good day and walk away. That is an appropriate behavior of acknowledging something you like on the street. I don’t just shout “oi sexy dog over there” or something of the sort because that’s rude. Why do men feel the need to say something rude instead of something nice? I mean, if it’s true that all men want to do is appreciate the “female” (very common reason behind cat-calling), then why don’t they come up to the girl, ask if it’s okay to say a few words, then say “I think you’re pretty” or something, ask for her name, and be on your way. That’s it, how hard is that? Is it really that much harder than being rude? When did rude become the norm in our society anyway, why is it easier for people to be rude than to be nice? Humans, I will never understand them.

Again, going off topic. Maybe this should be called “What I find wrong with humanity” instead.

When I was in college, I noticed another pattern with woman-hating (or shaming is more appropriate I think). I would see lazy college students wearing the worst outfits on campus, like girls would be wearing sweatpants and uggs (or flip flops), hair in messy buns and yesterday’s makeup still traced around their eyes. Boys would be wearing sweatpants or the equivalent but in shorts’ form, flip flops, baseball hats hiding bed hair, bodies probably unwashed for days. Yes, the norm of American colleges, everybody knows that. But there is a problem, because I would hear people say “oh that girl and this girl, why do they just not put on jeans and brush their hair” but nobody, ever! would point out the disgusting boys. I mean it’s actually totally normal for dudes to be disgusting pigs, they are forgiven, but girls - hell no! Girls are required to look appropriate. Now, I am not defending this horrible clothing pattern going on, I hate it more than anybody, but I hate it equally on girls and boys. I never talked to boys in that “uniform” if I could help it, and I didn’t talk to girls like that either. But I would hear boys say how they like this and that girl if only she didn’t wear uggs/sweatpants/etc. But look at yourself! You’re just as much of a slob as her! This used to drive me mad.

At parties, I would see girls dressed so pretty, with tight dresses and heels and hair and makeup and everything, and boys would be wearing the same variation of t-shirt/shorts/flip flops/baseball hat. It was a miracle when one of them wore a pair of jeans or a clean shirt. And yet, this was acceptable. Why??? I felt so sorry for the poor girls trying to get any kind of attention from those gross boys, who barely would notice them, and if they did they acted like total assholes and somehow still managed to get girls to date them or sleep with them or whatever else.

Being a girl/woman isn’t easy. Everybody expects so many things from you, on all sides. You’re expected to be beautiful, to take care of your body and look fantastic. You’re also  expected to do better in school than boys, but then men end up getting better jobs, higher wages and more opportunities in life. Why? You’re expected to be shallow, to care about clothes and gossip, and when you don’t you’re automatically assumed homosexual, but when you’re into clothes and girly movies, you’re automatically named a “bimbo”, shallow and unintelligent. Why? As if boy things are always so incredibly intelligent and intellectual, like all those beer and pizza gatherings consisting of discussing girls on a scale from 1 to 10. How is that not shallow, how is that not more shallow than girls discussing which boy has better looking hair? 

Okay, now I am just plain ranting. Women are perceived irrational and too emotional, but from all the men I know, they are just as irrational and emotional. Men always say they can’t understand women, but women can’t understand men either. In fact, it’s very superficial to think you can understand another human being. You can never see the world through their eyes, you will never know if your blue is their yellow, or if their salt is your sweet. Assuming you can rationalize another person’s feelings and thoughts is playing God, and nobody is God. But of course, as per usual, women get a bad rep for being unpredictable, while men ride on the glory of victory over the whole world.

I am not a man-hater, I really am not. There are a lot of things I really like about men, and there are so many traits I wish I had that are more specific to men, and the fact that it is easier to be a man in this world definitely makes me want to be one, and not because I hate women, far from it! But just because it would be an easier life, and there is no denying that, because we live in a misogynistic world, that is just the truth of it. I really enjoy my friendships with men, and some of my favorite people in the world happen to be male. Unfortunately some of my male friends exhibit slight forms of misogyny and sexism, and I have to say I can’t help them, and neither can they most of the time, because those thoughts are ingrained like ancient wisdom or cultural ethics, or “appropriate” etiquette, call it what you will. I have friends that shout things at girls, that treat girls like inferior beings, that expect girls to be supreme in every aspect and still think of them as inferior, and unfortunately I wish I could say I don’t ever want to be friends with such people, but it’s just not true. I can’t help being friends with whoever my emotions want me to connect to, I just can’t. All I can do is to try and educate my male friends about what it is like to be a girl, and hope that one day they can change for the better.

A rather pleasant day

I want to tell you about my day because it was incredibly wonderful, considering I've been having some not so comfortable days lately. Why? Because it's cold, because I've got the winter blues, because I feel lonely, lost, abandoned, bored by this world and want to be out in the universe, floating in space, travelling to other galaxies... basically, the norm of my inner feelings toward the universe.

Today though! I don't work on Tuesdays so I took this opportunity to go to the Art Institute for free (that would be the Art Institute in Chicago) and look at some art. Now, I've just been to this museum about a month ago and I was there for a long time and looked at a lot of things thoroughly, so this time I just went wherever I fancied, or to see my favorites.

The day started off quite nice, it was very sunny, although still freezing cold. I went to Belmont (because I hate the Addison red line stop) and got on the train, and got off at Jackson. Immediately from being at the Jackson red line stop I came up with a new idea for yet another short story, so that was good.

I walked to the Art Institute slowly right past the DePaul Loop campus and silently laughed at all the funny students walking around there. Classes just started last week I believe, and I inwardly mock college students now, I am not really sure why, probably because they make me feel ancient.

There were few people at the museum because it's the middle of the week, so I was mostly undisturbed except for a couple of workers there that tried to start a conversation with me, this always happens.

I started with photography because I am still trying to understand it and develop some sort of critical opinions about photographs. Alison Rossiter's "Acme Kruxo" was very interesting, here is an example:

These photographs are about the development of photographs, expiration, digitalizing the whole photo process. I don't want to get into technical talk because there is little I understand of photography in those terms, but either way, those works were really quite incredible to think about and look at.

Next I really enjoyed studying Gary Winogrand's "Women are Beautiful". The concept, on the one hand, is very primitive, but on the other it goes so deep. Every photograph is unique and fantastic, but altogether the collection gives a sense of something powerful, not in an emotional sense, but from a philosophical and aesthetic point of view. Women are traditionally worshipped by men for their beauty, which in term is replicated in all forms of art. Here it is a similar idea, but it's different. These women are not posing, they are not beautified. The femininity is raw, and that is what makes it enormously powerful and long-lasting. Here are some of my favorites I could find on the internet:

Then I stumbled upon space photos, from the moon expedition. I stared long and hard into the helmet of one of the astronauts and tried to imagine what he was feeling, and I think he was happy, beyond anybody's comprehension. I think behind that helmet he was laughing, and they all were, because they were so far away from Earth, the first people to venture out so far and step on a different world. Wow, it is truly amazing to think about that. When I studied those photographs I actually started tearing up a bit. One day I will follow in their footsteps and reach space, I promise. That is why I cannot die until I do.

Then I went and saw the usual what I always go to see: American contemporary art. Robert Mangold's "Green/2 Orange X Painting" from 1983 that hangs there always captivates me because every time I see it there I forget it is a cross, and just look at the thin line running in the middle of the really long and thin canvas. Then I notice the color, so beautiful and pure. And when I start reading the description, it finally hits me: it's a cross! I always forget!

Cy Twombly's big paintings that face each other in this one room at the Art Institute always make me stare at them for a long time. His works are strange to me because I feel like there is a whole universe in every single one of his works. Every scribble is just another planet or star system or galaxy or perhaps every scribble is another dimension and another time. It's amazing how his paintings are incredibly chaotic and yet so still and lonely with all that vast space that feels like the void to me.

But then you see the Mark Rothko's on the other two sides of the room and you realize everything you ever felt or known or imagined is contained within each Rothko painting. Whole civilizations and time, centuries, landscapes, cliffs and oceans, and also emotions and people and stories and death, all of those can be seen in a Rothko work. It's as if your soul leaves your body and plants itself in those pools of color, softly intersecting each other, borders playing tricks on your eyes and colors mixing and creating new ones. If you stare long enough, it will bring you peace to your mind.

Looking at art calms me and unsettles me at the same time but in different ways. I feel peaceful, introverted, reflective but also lonesome, melancholic and all wrapped up in my head so that it's hard for me to talk or listen or do anything other than write, think and walk. What sort of power is it that can make a person feel so confused?

Something strange happened at the museum today: when I was walking around, for some reason I was somehow convinced that I was in London, not in Chicago. I have no idea why, I was really spaced out and I kept looking at all those American photographs and thought to myself: "Why are there so many American photographs, I wonder how the Brits feel about that. I guess there is a lot of New York and people say New York is a bit European in a way..." and then suddenly I realized I was in America and the amount of American photographs was absolutely normal. Then I got dizzy because I legitimately thought I was in Europe for a few moments. Then I felt as if I wasn't me at all, but removed from my body with my thoughts. It was such a strange feeling that it made me feel really unstable. Then I started wondering if I am actually going insane, bit by bit, my mind just becoming something scary weird. I have all these thoughts in my head that run on forever, and I disconnect from the world for long periods of time, without even noticing it. It makes me feel so disoriented and not really a part of the world at all. It's as if I am floating or dreaming...

Frustration

I am going to tell the world my inner frustration with myself. It takes a lot of courage to do that, but what the hell, it's 11pm on a Sunday, I have to get up in about 9 hours and go to Washington DC and I have literally nothing to do until I fall asleep.

I am incredibly frustrated with my artwork. I hate all my older paintings, not because I think they are bad, but because I can't make those any more, I need to move onto to something new but I haven't found it yet. I don't want to do narrative, figurative or abstract works any more, but then what else is there really, or a combination of all? I hate my ideas and I don't even want to try to execute them because they already seem so stupid to me before I even have time to properly analyze them.

I want to find a way to bring literature and painting together in an unconventional way, but how? In what unconventional way? I don't just want to make illustrated books, and I don't want to make comic books and I don't want to make "word" art either. It is so frustrating to me because I just need to find a new way and I can't. I feel so incredibly useless. I feel like I am deteriorating. I just want to move on.

I guess that dude was right, I am stagnating. It is terrifying to think I will never create anything original or half as good as I want it to be. I think I might have set my own expectations for myself too high. I constantly disappoint myself, nothing is ever good enough any more. I need to figure this out before I completely burn out like a candle. Help me world.

Being vegan.. some of my thoughts

I think I need to explain a few things about me being vegan.

I don't like talking about my veganism... Because I always get the same responses, the same questions... can you imagine getting asked exactly the same questions almost every day of your life? Don't you know how boring and utterly annoying it gets? On top of asking those questions, I also always get the same responses.. and every one of those responses thinks of itself as "unique" and that I have never heard that before.

There is no way you can tell me anything about me being vegan that I haven't already heard or read. There is no point in asking me those questions because chances are I will not give you a proper compelling answer. Why? Here is why:

1. This tends to happen in situations when you just meet someone or in a large group of people. I really don’t want to talk to you for twenty minutes (or more!) about all my reasons for being vegan, detailed descriptions of everything I eat, explanations why I am completely healthy and completely satisfied.
2. You probably have a pre-conceived notion of vegans and vegan diets. There is no way I am going to change your mind about those notions by simply answering your questions. Most people are very confrontational so your questions are more to determine in your mind that you are correct in your food choices and I am just crazy. What is the point in asking me then?
3. If you’re sincerely interested and might even think about trying to do what I do, then there is a time and place for this conversation to happen. I don’t want it to happen in passing when we’re first meeting or at a party or at some social event.
4. Food is a very private thing for me. It is in some ways very sacred. I love food, different foods for different reasons. I don’t really want to talk about it, the same way I don’t really want to explain to someone my morning beauty routine or how I get ready for bed at night. Those are just normal everyday things for me that I don’t really want someone to snoop around. It’s private. Being vegan isn’t something out of the ordinary for me at all.
5. Please don’t assume that I want to preach to you my beliefs, and don’t assume I ‘follow’ veganism as a sort of cult or religion. But most people automatically assume that once I open my mouth, I am going to spew hatred toward carnivores and therefore invite me to do so by asking me about it. I am not going to explain my food choices if I hear even the tiniest negativity or disapproval in your tone of voice or your questions. I hate arguing.
6. If I try to explain my food choices, I get a lot of the same responses, all of them in various degrees of ignorance. A lot of things people believe about food are simply not true. I follow science and food news every day, unlike the majority of people. I know what is going on in the world, I know why you shouldn’t drink milk for heartburn even though it’s been the ‘approved’ method of dealing with it. I know those things because I read about them. But the person asking me about being vegan will not believe anything I tell them, simply because ‘we were taught this way in school so it must be right.” Therefore, what’s the point of me even trying to explain if my answers will never be taken seriously or respected.
7. The worst part about the questioning is the fact that I am never respected in my food choices, ever. My choice to be vegan is invaded, it is treated as something weird, abnormal, etc. Why do I have to defend my own choice in front of strangers or even friends and family? Perhaps if I was eating really unhealthy things I can understand why somebody would care. But I am not! Therefore nobody has the right to judge what I eat.

Now having said that, I do actually like talking about my veganism! But only with people that are sincerely interested in it without any negativity or disapproval, people I feel comfortable around talking about such things. Of course I love talking about being vegan, just like I love to talk about art, movies, music and other things that make up my life and my interests. I am always interested to hear what new cool berries are discovered in Brazil or what new almond milk flavor they have created. I love to talk about food and cooking because I love food and I love to cook! I love to share my cooking experiences with people and I can really only hope I can somehow influence them to make better eating choices.

Of course I am proud that I am vegan. I am proud and completely satisfied. I am in no way ashamed of it or have any problems with it. I think what people don’t understand about being vegan is that there is no “Vegan Police” that will come around the corner and arrest you if you accidentally eat a meal that had dairy or eggs in it. Sometimes those things happen, they are unpleasant and hurtful but there is nothing we can do about it. You can complain to the manager of the restaurant for having served you something you didn’t sign up for, but you will only walk away feeling angry and the restaurant will probably have an even more negative outlook on vegans. Why would you want to go around spoiling our reputation like that? It’s already hard being acknowledged and respected by the rest of the world, the more “fits” we throw, the worse it’s going to get. Look at how people hate PETA with a strong passion, and they are supposed to be the spokesmen for all the vegans out there. It’s annoying when I meet someone and they automatically think I am going to spew PETA propaganda on them.

Why am I vegan? I am not entirely sure. I keep thinking about it every day, every meal that I make for myself, every time I refuse a milk chocolate from my friends or repeat the hated phrase “I am sorry I can’t eat that.” My main reason at the beginning was the animals of course. I didn’t want to eat animals any more. It’s unethical, it is gross. I don’t want to eat something that has a face, feelings, that can feel pain, and I don’t want to ingest any of their parts either or use any of their parts. I don’t want to use products that were tested on the poor creatures. I don’t want to wear their dead skin on my feet, or drink milk from their boobs! Sorry but that is the raw truth behind going vegan for almost every vegan I know. I am not putting those phrases in here for shock value - I am simply stating it how it is. It is so upsetting to me now that children nowadays don’t know that beef comes from a live cow, that pork comes from a live pig. That children have never met a cow or a pig or a chicken. That they have no understanding of the fact that their daily glass of milk probably comes from a disgusting factory where they mistreat animals to such an extent that if someone saw it for themselves they would probably faint. I don’t understand why parents won’t tell their children such things, and I don’t understand why people themselves don’t want to find out where their food comes from.

My other reasons to be vegan are the same as everyone’s really. It’s better for my health (and anybody’s), it is better for the environment, it will help world hunger, etc etc. Just go google it and you’ll find all the information. Everybody knows that eating meat is destroying our planet in so many ways and destroying our health is so many ways. I believe that most people internally do feel guilty for eating animals but will never do anything about it.

I don’t like to preach, but I wish I could do it more. I want people to follow my example, I want people to be influenced by me and become vegetarian or vegan. But at the same time the best action is just to be there and not push it onto people. The fact that they know someone who is vegan is already enough to influence them, get them thinking about their own food choices.

Food is so important! It is the reason we’re alive. We have to treat our bodies as if they are sacred temples, only put good things in them so they won't hurt, break or develop weird diseases and cancers. And yet most people eat total shit. I am not saying I am the healthiest person ever, but I do follow certain steps to remain healthy:

1. Absolutely nothing from animals.
2. At least one piece of fruit a day. Usually I eat 3-4.
3. No white rice, white bread, etc. Only whole grains and no empty carbs that have absolutely no nutritional value except for calories. Trying not to eat bread or pasta often... instead I stick to brown rice, chickpeas and beans, lentils, peas and quinoa, and sometimes potatoes.
4. Salad at least once a day, usually with dinner, or an equivalent amount of steamed/cooked vegetables.
5. Less salt, more spice. Especially red pepper/cayenne pepper.
6. Very limited amount of processed foods, almost none at all if I can help it, unless I go out to eat.
7. Desserts are allowed in very small quantities and only purely vegan and hopefully unprocessed although I do enjoy an occasional Oreo or Luna bar.
8. Very limited amount of oil - and only olive oil. I usually cook with veggie broth or water instead of oil.

It’s very simple! My food is very uncomplicated, I don’t know why it freaks people out. If anything, I eat so much simpler compared to most meat-eaters, I don’t really understand why people think it’s complicated to be vegan. It’s so much simpler! Grocery shopping is easy because most things I buy are in the produce section. Cooking is simple because most things I make take under 30 minutes to prepare and cook. I am not scared of horrible food poisoning because most things I eat are vegetables and legumes... that I wash and prepare myself.

My typical day if I go to work looks like this:

Morning: Oatmeal or avocado+apple smoothie.

At work: Lentils/rice/peas prepared at home in a little plastic container, plus fruit.

Evening at home: Salad! Usually spinach and tomato, sometimes with cucumbers/peppers/mushrooms/whatever is in the fridge. With salad I usually make a hot dish like curried chickpeas+tomatoes; mexican rice; stir-fry; baked sweet potatoes; baked potato+lentils+salsa.

When I have people over for dinner I cook more elaborate things. My favorites to make are:

Cauliflower/potato soup

Peanut stew (chickpeas, potatoes, tomatoes, peanut butter, spices, etc)

Stuffed portobello mushrooms with avocado/tofu/tomato/etc

Vegan tacos (green peppers stir-fried with black beans)

Any variation of cooking eggplant - roasting, baking, stuffing...

I love different foods for different reasons. I love vegetables because they are crunchy, juicy, fresh, and each one has a different texture and tastes different and cooks different. I love lentils and chickpeas because they are very comforting and smooth and taste amazing. I love nuts because they are crunchy and make my jaw muscles hurt. I love fruits especially bananas and peaches and cherries because they are so sweet and summery. I love avocados because they have the perfect combination of smoothness and combine so well with tomatoes. I love baked potatoes even though I used to hate them. I love mushrooms because they are so funky and taste so good in stir-fry. I love hummus and peanut butter but try not to buy them because I tend to eat too much of them in one sitting. I love almond-milk based ice cream because it makes me feel like I am eating clouds. I could go on forever.

The point is, I love being vegan. I am proud to be vegan. I hope one day everyone will be vegan!

This is only part 1 of many posts I might make in the future about me being vegan. It's a whole universe that I can't just put into one blog post and be done.

Interpret my dreams for me

Last night’s dreams really got to me today, so I am going to try and decipher them a little bit. I am not entirely sure I believe that dreams are a way to unlock our thoughts, but I think sometimes dreams really are your brain’s “garbage” - thoughts and feelings that you need to get rid of but are finding quite hard to let go, so your brain does it for you when you’re asleep.

Here is my own crack at this Watson&Holmes type of investigation of my mind.

My first dream was actually really funny, considering all the “short” jokes my friends make about me all the time. The dream started in a grocery store. I was getting a cart and I was told I had to take a different one, which was slightly smaller and built differently, but most importantly it had a flag on it. Not like a country’s flag or anything, just a whatever looking flag. I asked why I have to have a stupid flag on my cart and I was told any person of height 5’3 and below is considered a child and therefore needs to use a child’s cart. Needless to say, I was furious! Yes I am 5’3 but I am also not a child!

After this dream ended, another one started, in which my friend Jocelyn was sorting through my laundry and trying to do my laundry for me. I told her it doesn’t need to be done because it was all clean already, but she wouldn’t listen and continued trying to separate colored clothing from the monochromatic ones.

This dream slowly turned into a dream about Alice Glass (my favorite person in the world / one half of Crystal Castles / goddess that I want to marry one day.. or be). It was as if they played a show and I was hanging out with her back stage. She was relatively friendly and even asked for my email so we can stay in touch, but she also kept getting my name wrong, instead of “Katya” she kept saying (and writing) “Katyo”. Then we all decided to go to a resort type of thing, it was my Dad, Alice Glass and a bunch of other people I don’t know in real life, and me.

This slowly turned into a dream about me trying on outfits for some sort of evening/ball at this resort which we were already at. I couldn’t decide what to wear, and when I pulled out my undergarment drawer I saw all these beautiful old-fashioned silky white bras and thought “where the hell did I get those? I haven’t had a white bra since I was 14”. And I started trying them on and realized I can’t wear them with any of my fancy evening clothes because those had either no straps or had plunging necklines or open backs, or were half see-through and so on. I was quite upset about it but then it turned into the next morning at the resort, where apparently we realized we’ve been getting a lot of stuff for free but now they caught on to us.

I walk to the room where they serve fancy breakfast and Alice and my Dad are nowhere to be seen, just me and those other people we were with. Some old lady comes up to me and gives me her pass, so I am able to go into the breakfast room as one of the VIP residents. But then I turn around and don’t see anyone I know. I am told my Dad has just developed a nasty cold and Alice Glass is still sleeping. At which point I finally wake up.

Now let’s try and break down all of the complications in this dream. The first part about my height is fairly easy... I think it was the aftermath of running into Jocelyn (in the real world) last night on the street and her telling me I look taller than usual. It may be because last weekend I was trying to prove I am not all that small... who knows.

The fact that Jocelyn was trying to do my laundry for me, which was already clean... is quite hard. It might mean that I am satisfied with some part of my life but my friends think it needs more work. Or that I find my friends being overly fussy over stuff that I don’t really care about right now. The fact that it was distinctly Jocelyn doesn’t actually mean anything. It might have been anyone and my half-awake mind put her face to this dream because it was the first person I thought of (probably because we lived together for so long).

Obviously meeting Alice Glass is just a romantic idea I’ve had since I became obsessed with Crystal Castles. On the other hand, the fact that out of all the other fans she chose to hang out with me might mean that I consider myself slightly above everyone else and my ego is just ridiculously large. The part where she kept getting my name wrong is obviously my brain telling me to stop having such a huge ego and come down to Earth, not everything circulates about Katya.

I have a theory about the white bras: I think they are part innocence, part nostalgia, part shedding the past. My whole life I only thought one thing about white bras: don’t ever buy them. See, it’s because when I was 14 and only wore white bras, my friend in Russia laughed at me and said “What are you, a kid? Nobody our age or older wears white bras.” And from that day I decided never to wear them. The fact that they appeared in my dream so vividly, the white silkiness almost blinding me, probably means that I’ve been thinking a lot about my earlier days, the white shining so brightly, signifying some sort of childish innocence that I no longer have, and the fact that I couldn’t wear the white bras in my dream shows that this innocence will never return. I think this part about never returning is further deepened by a sense of longing and nostalgia that I’ve been experiencing lately, most likely due to the expectancy of some feeling toward my trip to Bloomington this weekend. I am excited about it, but also apprehensive because I am not sure what feelings I left behind there. I left in a bit of a hurry, I had no idea what I was feeling about it. Now I feel slight nostalgic pangs when I remember certain events there, but at the same time I almost feel nothing at all. I think if I didn’t have business to go down there, I wouldn’t miss or think about missing it at all.

The rest of the dream might just be all those thoughts and dreams coming together. Realizing I had some sort of privilege that I really don’t; realizing my true lonesomeness at this point in my life and having to slightly rely on the kindness of strangers; uncertainty in my life in general, as much as uncertainty in any aspect of my life, my art, my relationships, my future, my past.

I think this dream really opened my mind a little bit about what’s going on with me emotionally lately. I’ve been trying not to think about my emotions, and at the same time I’ve been trying to look at them from a third person perspective.

coffee and novels

Work is back to being quite slow and boring.. I think I am going to continue writing my novel.

This morning our kitchen fuse blew out so I had to go to Starbucks for morning coffee and I couldn't get internet so I decided to continue working on my novel. And now I am thinking why did I ever stop working on it? It's a good way to waste some time on my computer.

And then of course I had to take pictures at work and I am terrible at taking pictures because I have never even owned a camera up until this May and guess what it's the simplest cheapest digital camera you can imagine... so I don't even know how to use this slightly more expensive equipment and thank god nobody cares otherwise I would look like a complete fool.

But back to my novel. I feel like Mort Rainey from the "Secret Window" movie, wearing glasses, writing a novel, drinking coffee.. all I am missing are Pall Malls and a cabin in the woods.

I want to retreat into a cabin in the woods. I am hoping that in a few years time I will be able to spend some time alone from civilization and sit in the woods with my cat and another human, or a few humans, and just chill for a bit. Maybe make some huge artwork that will be the size of a mansion, or a series of crazy paintings, or a really long and boring and fantastic video diary. Or maybe just meditate for months and not do anything at all, and eat only vegetables and fruits and pretend to be a monk.

There is something incredibly wonderful about the world of forgetting civilization or pretending it doesn’t exist.

Coincidences

It is very strange when you find the weirdest coincidences in life, or stumble upon things in your life that somehow together are connected to a plethora of things you are doing at the moment.

This happened to me just recently. As you might know, I have recently made some new videos, and one of them is about immortality, called "The Immortal Man" and a while back, in May I think, I made a sort of tribute to rituals, satanic worship, witchcraft and a throwback to my "goth" days, all crammed into a video called "Salt for the Devil".

A week ago I was reading about gothic literature and came upon the novel "The Monk: A Romance" by Matthew Gregory Lewis. I decided to give it a try, more for a laugh than anything else because it is old-school kitsch and a reminder to me about what I left behind in my teenage years. To my surprise, after reading about a third of the novel I found two passages, almost within just a few pages of each other, that correspond to the two videos I made recently! One passage was about an immortal man, the other was about a ritual that included throwing some substance on the ground in a circle, and placing various objects in the shape of crosses around the circle. I would like to quote both passages, and I invite you, my reader, to read the first passage, then watch my video that coincides with it, then read the second passage and watch the second video. Links are provided beneath the quotes.

M. G. Lewis on Immortality:

"Fate obliges me to be constantly in movement: I am not permitted to pass more than a fortnight in the same place. I have no Friend in the world, and from the restlessness of my destiny I never can acquire one. Fain would I lay down my miserable life, for I envy those who enjoy the quiet of the Grave: but Death eludes me, and flies from my embrace. In vain do I throw myself in the way of danger. I plunge into the Ocean; the Waves throw me back with abhorrence upon the shore: I rush into the fire; the flames recoil at my approach: I oppose myself to the fury of Banditti; their swords become blunted, and break against my breast: the hungry Tiger shudders at my approach, and the Alligator flies from a Monster more horrible than itself. God has set his seal upon me, and all his Creatures respect this fatal mark!"

My video on Immortality:

The Immortal Man

M. G. Lewis on rituals:

"He next drew from the Chest a covered Goblet: with the liquor which it contained, and which appeared to be blood, he sprinkled the floor, and then dipping in it one end of the Crucifix, he described a circle in the middle of the room. Round about this he placed various reliques, sculls, thigh-boned; I observed that he disposed of them all in the forms of Crosses. Lastly he took out a large Bible, and beckoned me to follow him into the Circle. I obeyed. 'Be cautious not to utter a syllable!' whispered the Stranger; 'Step not out of the circle, and as you love yourself, dare not to look upon my face!' "

My video which involves some sort of improvised ritual:

Salt for the Devil

Little note: I obviously know these are not exactly what my videos are about, my immortal man is very different and has his immortality on completely different terms, and the ritual performed in my video is completely different to this one.

Enzo's adventures in a new house

Sorry but today's post is going to be incredibly silly. It is specifically for Jocelyn and Enzo to enjoy!

I was cat sitting for Enzo for three nights and... I got some incredibly funny photos of him trying to be all "tough" and at the same time failing and turning into a little kitten. Here is a compilation:

I hope you enjoy this sunny kitten on a sunny Sunday! Enzo, it has been a pleasure having you and we will gladly have you again!

Exist-an-tialist

Sometimes I watch something or I read something and I suddenly get a rush of incredibly existentialist ideas. Today watching two films which ultimately talk about the same thing, made me want to disappear into the void of the universe. Because life is never as beautiful and magical as we want it to be.

I don't really want to discuss the two films so I won't say what they were. I want to discuss the fact that I am now sitting in my bed, looking at my cat grooming herself without a care in the world, except caring whether I love her or Enzo (the other cat) more or less. I wish my life sometimes was as simple as growling and hissing when I am protecting my territory and then happily curl into a ball next to my favorite person in the world. I like that the cat leaves their favorite human no choice but to love them back and love them the most, because that is how awesome cats are. Why can't I do the same thing to my favorite human in the whole world? Why can't I make my favorite human be anyone in close proximity, why can't I settle for what I deal with and not worry about intelligence, looks or grooming habits? Cats like you more if you are a social shut-in, if you spend all day at home eating lovely greasy meat and cheese foods that they can steal from you, they love it when you sweat and don't shower and the more lazy you get, the more they enjoy rolling around in the dirt of your house. It's as if the cat wants you to be a total incompetent slob. And I am not saying I want to be a slob, I am just saying I wish I could choose my humans based on reversed qualities required of people to be liked by other people.

Enough about cats. Here is the real deal. I am (once again) disappointed in humanity. I am not having dark thoughts or feeling depressed and lonely, I am just contemplating humanity and how utterly disappointing it really is, most of the time.

What do I want in life? I want kindness, elegance, beauty, care, morality, appreciation, equality, emotional visual and auditory sensations. And because those are the things I want in life, they are the things I try to provide. I try to be as caring and kind as possible, with pure selflessness thrown in. I am an artist because I want to excite people, depress them, make them wonder, make them angry or laugh, all with my artwork. I really don't do much else in life except make art, look at art (also read, listen and think) and try to make the people around me happy, satisfied, help them in every way and truthfully care about them.

What starts to depress me is when none of this is seen by anybody, when none of this is even contemplated or given back in any shape or form. I hate when everything I do ends up in someone's emotional garbage, or literally just garbage. I hate when I realize, once again, how much nobody gives a damn about anybody, how much everybody spends on themselves and how little on the rest of the world, even just thinking about it. I hate when people assume things and I hate when people put words in my mouth. I hate most of all when people simply don't care and don't even try to care.

Sometimes I go to sleep with such dark thoughts that I have incredibly dark dreams, where fictional characters materialize themselves out of my dark thoughts and end up engulfing them, eating them, making them their prey. Sometimes I make peace with the most evil persons in my dreams, sometimes I make friends with them, and it's all because in my mind the dark thoughts are colliding with everything I hate about living as a human. How many times have I contemplated living as an hermit in the caves of Nepal? Practically at least once a week this thought crosses my mind, or living completely alone on the planet. It's a weird combination of the fact that I love life and I love everything in it, including humans, but then I also despise humanity and I hate the life that humanity leads, leaving me to imagine a world without them.

I am just upset I guess that life really is bitter, sour, morbid, full of fear and hate and apathy most of the time. I wish it wasn't, I wish there was something that interested every single person in the world and I wish people got rid of their inner demons and learned to appreciate one another. I wish everyone thought about beauty and elegance instead of ugly thoughts of hate and disgust. I wish everyone walked around with huge smiles on their faces and greeted each other and felt no grudges or judgemental feelings. I wish we all groomed ourselves properly and cared about what we put out into the world, and at the same time wished to be closer to stars and other galaxies and not afraid to think outside of our Planet Earth. I wish people were not scared of the universe and the fact that we are incredibly small and pathetic and unneeded. A lot of human problems would be solved once everyone realized we are not special or unique and therefore all the big-headedness would disappear and hopefully some harmony could return to the world.

MCA Chicago

I went to the Museum of Contemporary Art finally! (in Chicago... obviously cause that's where I live)

Overall... not actually too bad! I really liked some of the exhibits and they have some iconic paintings that I really enjoyed looking at. Also: I felt incredibly smart when I was approached by two elderly ladies who asked me if I can tell them a little bit about Chuck Close. I was like... YES my time to shine. Because as much as I struggled all throughout art history in college, all that information really stuck to my brain, and now I can show off my slightly useless knowledge! Anyway... bragging aside, here is what I liked/found interesting:

"First 50": this is an exhibition of the first 50 artworks that came into MCA's collection. It had quite a range, from Ed Paschke to Chuck Close to Enrico Baj and so on. I have a soft spot for Ed Paschke, I am not going to lie. I share his interest in collecting images from all printed visual media, and I am really fascinated by how he transformed television type of visual imagery into painting... it translates so well. I remember the first time I came across one of his works, I had no idea who he was or what he was about, but immediately thought: wow this artist works from television imagery... and I was so right. His colors are bright and slightly off-putting by being so "commercial" and "likeable" at first glance. But then the more you look at the colors, the more you realize how sickly disgusting they are and how well they fit the overall theme. I do love Ed Paschke.. so please don't judge me on that. I know in some art circles he is listed with the likes of Jeff Koons but in my mind they are millions of miles apart.

Apart from Ed Paschke, I also really liked Enrico Baj, who I don't think I've ever seen before in real life, and Gladys Nilsson.

"Phantom Limb: Approaches to Painting Today": the title is pretty self-explanatory, but I would just like to mention that they are exploring why painting is always believed to be a dying artform, and it always comes back to bite you in the ass... because painting will never die out, and this exhibition is looking at ways that painting is evolving, which is part of the reason why it will never die. Of course, this is my cup of tea.. because painting is my life. I don't just like to paint.. I have to look at it, examine it, I love going to a museum and looking at the thickness on paintings, how they were painted, look for imperfections, brushwork... and so on. Anyway, my latest obsession is finding out little known AbEx painters, partly because that's what I do in my internship, and partly because I have a new found love for abstract painting.

First of all.. they had a Rauschenberg! This one to be precise: "Retroactive II" from 1963:

I really enjoyed Sergej Jensen, he uses a variety of different materials to paint on, which creates interesting new textures. His palette is very subdued but it has a calming and reassuring effect. Here is one of his works I found on another gallery's website, "Untitled" from 2010:

Isn't it just beautiful? Finally, this is not something I like but this struck me like lightning.. in the middle of the room I found a Josh Smith and it reminded me of my Intro to Art class in college... when we had to incorporate the word "CAT" into an artwork and the image of a cat, but make it inconspicuous. I think that idea comes from Josh Smith's work including his initials.

"Rashid Johnson: Message to Our Folks": This is very "conceptually loaded". He uses a lot of shared experiences and references by constructing artwork from his everyday objects. He is exploring the past and the culture he comes from, but to me it's just something a lot of artists do... and I am not so sold on this idea. For me art is escapist, it is imaginary, it is not your therapist that tells you to dig deeper into your roots to find the core of your problems. I don't really enjoy when art is based on the everyday, when art is given a very direct concept with little room for interpretation. Having said that, I did enjoy some of the works by Johnson, especially all the broken mirror works and the combination of black and gold is very visually appealing. So my question is.. should an artist have a face, a name, an ethnicity, a context background? Should an exhibit have an explanation? I think I would have enjoyed this a lot more if I didn't read what this exhibition was about before or even after seeing it.

Molly Zuckerman-Hartung: Quite interesting abstract art. I didn't like the works where she had the canvas (?) hanging in strips between paintings, but I liked some works such as "Victorian Sex Painting":

New York School: Always a classic of course, focusing on late 40s and 50s, with some amazing works by Rothko, deKooning, Kline, etc. Since I changed my mind about Rothko, this is the first time I've seen it up close and personal. Before, Rothko was one of my least favorite artists from that era but now that I really like his work, I was blown away by the work presented here, which is "Untitled" from 1969 that hasn't been on display since 1996! What! I know, why would they hide a gem like this one. Sorry for the seriously bad quality photo here, I couldn't find a better one online:

I was really not impressed with Esteban Vicente.. honestly he slightly reminded me of Cezanne.. I don't like Cezanne. Philip Guston on the other hand really interested me, because I have not seen a lot of his works in real life, and they really are quite beautiful and playful. I have to say I was disappointed in deKooning because I used to really enjoy his works, but now I getting sick of his "I am an abstract painter but I am gonna stick a figure in here anyway" approach. And as much as I am not a fan of Barnett Newman, the painting they had on display called "Galaxy" made me stare at it for quite a few minutes. When you imagine that the strip of brown is our lifetime in the vastness of the red unknown cosmos, it makes your head swirl a little bit. This is why abstract painting is so incredibly complex and can really take your breath away... you can pretend it's anything in the world, it is imaginative and structurally diverse.

"Skyscraper: Art and Architecture Against Gravity": I don't have much to say... I am not into buildings that much, and I know that the Skyscraper is iconic but to me it's just another one of those concept-ridden art things that best left to interpretation than solid themes. I did enjoy seeing Westermann's "Memorial to the Idea of Man if He was an Idea" because I remember studying it in art history and laughing... And I actually kind of enjoyed Roger Brown's comic-book lookalike story-telling fresh solid paintings, although not in a serious kind of way. This is "Ablaze and Ajar" from 1972:

I also kind of liked Marie Bovo's two photographs, "Cour Interieure 29 Avril 2009" and "Cour Interieure 19 novembre 2009" because they were simply aesthetically beautiful.

Books from London

I finally took the time to scan all the books I made when I spent a semester in London.

The project was that there are real people and there are fictional people. And then there are those in between... taken from reality but added a little more flavor to. I decided to create completely fictional characters, with completely fictional lives and most importantly, deaths. Every story would start with the notion that this character is already dead. And each story would be told as a biographical account, dry and lacking in metaphors, therefore making it seem like a very true story, rather than fiction.

I created four books. Each book focuses on one fictional character and his "entourage". Each story is more and more bizarre, as the first story I wrote, Russell Brown, is very close to real life and could have happened anywhere. The last one, "Squirrel Guardian" is rather strange.

Here are scans of all 4 books, in order of strangeness (according to me.. not anyone else) and I apologize, scanning them was really hard because they were made on really fragile hand-made Indian paper but I tried my best to preserve the essence of not only the drawings and the words, but also the tactile factor of the books. After all, I made them completely by hand without any outside help!
Click on each image to see it in full size to be able to read it!

Russell Brown:

Without a Twin

London Eye

Squirrel Guardian