Last night’s dreams really got to me today, so I am going to try and decipher them a little bit. I am not entirely sure I believe that dreams are a way to unlock our thoughts, but I think sometimes dreams really are your brain’s “garbage” - thoughts and feelings that you need to get rid of but are finding quite hard to let go, so your brain does it for you when you’re asleep.
Here is my own crack at this Watson&Holmes type of investigation of my mind.
My first dream was actually really funny, considering all the “short” jokes my friends make about me all the time. The dream started in a grocery store. I was getting a cart and I was told I had to take a different one, which was slightly smaller and built differently, but most importantly it had a flag on it. Not like a country’s flag or anything, just a whatever looking flag. I asked why I have to have a stupid flag on my cart and I was told any person of height 5’3 and below is considered a child and therefore needs to use a child’s cart. Needless to say, I was furious! Yes I am 5’3 but I am also not a child!
After this dream ended, another one started, in which my friend Jocelyn was sorting through my laundry and trying to do my laundry for me. I told her it doesn’t need to be done because it was all clean already, but she wouldn’t listen and continued trying to separate colored clothing from the monochromatic ones.
This dream slowly turned into a dream about Alice Glass (my favorite person in the world / one half of Crystal Castles / goddess that I want to marry one day.. or be). It was as if they played a show and I was hanging out with her back stage. She was relatively friendly and even asked for my email so we can stay in touch, but she also kept getting my name wrong, instead of “Katya” she kept saying (and writing) “Katyo”. Then we all decided to go to a resort type of thing, it was my Dad, Alice Glass and a bunch of other people I don’t know in real life, and me.
This slowly turned into a dream about me trying on outfits for some sort of evening/ball at this resort which we were already at. I couldn’t decide what to wear, and when I pulled out my undergarment drawer I saw all these beautiful old-fashioned silky white bras and thought “where the hell did I get those? I haven’t had a white bra since I was 14”. And I started trying them on and realized I can’t wear them with any of my fancy evening clothes because those had either no straps or had plunging necklines or open backs, or were half see-through and so on. I was quite upset about it but then it turned into the next morning at the resort, where apparently we realized we’ve been getting a lot of stuff for free but now they caught on to us.
I walk to the room where they serve fancy breakfast and Alice and my Dad are nowhere to be seen, just me and those other people we were with. Some old lady comes up to me and gives me her pass, so I am able to go into the breakfast room as one of the VIP residents. But then I turn around and don’t see anyone I know. I am told my Dad has just developed a nasty cold and Alice Glass is still sleeping. At which point I finally wake up.
Now let’s try and break down all of the complications in this dream. The first part about my height is fairly easy... I think it was the aftermath of running into Jocelyn (in the real world) last night on the street and her telling me I look taller than usual. It may be because last weekend I was trying to prove I am not all that small... who knows.
The fact that Jocelyn was trying to do my laundry for me, which was already clean... is quite hard. It might mean that I am satisfied with some part of my life but my friends think it needs more work. Or that I find my friends being overly fussy over stuff that I don’t really care about right now. The fact that it was distinctly Jocelyn doesn’t actually mean anything. It might have been anyone and my half-awake mind put her face to this dream because it was the first person I thought of (probably because we lived together for so long).
Obviously meeting Alice Glass is just a romantic idea I’ve had since I became obsessed with Crystal Castles. On the other hand, the fact that out of all the other fans she chose to hang out with me might mean that I consider myself slightly above everyone else and my ego is just ridiculously large. The part where she kept getting my name wrong is obviously my brain telling me to stop having such a huge ego and come down to Earth, not everything circulates about Katya.
I have a theory about the white bras: I think they are part innocence, part nostalgia, part shedding the past. My whole life I only thought one thing about white bras: don’t ever buy them. See, it’s because when I was 14 and only wore white bras, my friend in Russia laughed at me and said “What are you, a kid? Nobody our age or older wears white bras.” And from that day I decided never to wear them. The fact that they appeared in my dream so vividly, the white silkiness almost blinding me, probably means that I’ve been thinking a lot about my earlier days, the white shining so brightly, signifying some sort of childish innocence that I no longer have, and the fact that I couldn’t wear the white bras in my dream shows that this innocence will never return. I think this part about never returning is further deepened by a sense of longing and nostalgia that I’ve been experiencing lately, most likely due to the expectancy of some feeling toward my trip to Bloomington this weekend. I am excited about it, but also apprehensive because I am not sure what feelings I left behind there. I left in a bit of a hurry, I had no idea what I was feeling about it. Now I feel slight nostalgic pangs when I remember certain events there, but at the same time I almost feel nothing at all. I think if I didn’t have business to go down there, I wouldn’t miss or think about missing it at all.
The rest of the dream might just be all those thoughts and dreams coming together. Realizing I had some sort of privilege that I really don’t; realizing my true lonesomeness at this point in my life and having to slightly rely on the kindness of strangers; uncertainty in my life in general, as much as uncertainty in any aspect of my life, my art, my relationships, my future, my past.
I think this dream really opened my mind a little bit about what’s going on with me emotionally lately. I’ve been trying not to think about my emotions, and at the same time I’ve been trying to look at them from a third person perspective.
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