self-reflection

I want to start this post without an explanation really. I think if you read it, it will be self-explanatory.

All I ever want for people is to be happier. I try to make people happier, maybe I do it the wrong way, maybe other things make them happy. I treat people the way I want them to treat me, but that doesn't work really, ever. I may seem like a very cold person, but really I am very caring and concerned. I think about people in my life all the time, and maybe I don't want to speak to them or have contact with them often, but that doesn't mean I don't like them. I just feel awkward around people a lot of the time, and I don't want to bring this awkwardness into our relationships.

I want people to feel comfortable throwing at me whatever it is they feel about me. But I don't want people to be rude, loud, obnoxious about it. If you have something to tell me, please tell me what it is but don't make spiteful remarks that are directed specifically to hurt my feelings, so that you can feel less angry/upset with me at the expense of my emotional pain.

That being sad, few things actually affect me that way any more, probably due to the amount of hatred and misunderstanding I've experienced in my "previous" life. I've had my fair share of depression, anxiety, panic and paranoia. If I could get over those things, so can anyone else I think. After all, we're all just human really.

Forgiveness is what makes us real human beings. If you can't forgive and let go, then what can you do? People who dwell on their positive or negative emotions end up being miserable and lonely for the rest of their lives. Memory, whether fond or not, is a destructive thing because it pushes you away from reality. People come and go, relationships with people don't ever last. So why dwell on them, why not take your current life and make it better instead of sitting around brooding on the past?

I am only writing this because I just watched Simon Amstell try to bring his fictional family together, which ended up a disaster but actually there was a lot of wisdom in this process.

"Do Nothing"....

I love every single person I interact with, every person I spend more than 5 minutes talking to. The difference is in the kind of love that we share. Unfortunately, a lot of those people don't love me back. And that's okay because I've accepted this. I've accepted my guilt in trying to make them love me, and I've accepted my guilt of not treating them the right way.

I am sorry for every negative emotion I've ever made anyone feel, however if you reflect on it better, was it all not worth it?

In the words of Salinger: "This is a perfect day for bananafish".

This is actually not really directed at anyone or anything. I felt this urge to express my feelings about people for a long time, and today my thoughts have finally come together. This isn't about all the drama going on around right now, it is the end of another brilliant semester that I've enjoyed very much and I would like to say a big thank you to everyone that participated in it. I am glad I have such human interactions and I hope I made some sort of impact on other people's lives. In the end we all die, and when we die we won't be thinking of Lord or Jesus, we will remember that the only thing that awaits us now is the soil or the coffin or the flames. So make it a good one before the soil.