That song by the Telephones is stuck in my head for two days now.
After that wonderful trip to Cali I came back to so much work. Two projects for Drug Abuse, music video stuff and painting stuff for I-carnival, two more videos to edit, start working on Apostasy II, and all I want to do is finish watching Honey and Clover (which unfortunately I can't do at work because this internet is sooo slooooow).
But why would I want to write about all that stuff? Instead, I will write down some thoughts.
While I was gone for a week, the cats have changed quite a bit. They now jump on the counters, but they also became more vocal and more lovey. They keep fighting for attention, they won't leave me or Joce alone. They missed me, that's for sure. I don't think they want me to ever leave them again... Which is sooo cute but sad at the same time.
For some reason, I'm feeling kind of sad. I don't think it's because spring break is over and now I have to do things. I think this is something completely different, but I don't know what it is. It's so warm outside and I usually feel so happy when it's warm. Somehow, something is missing right now. Maybe it's the spring blues or stress over work, or maybe it's something more abstract like... I miss being an irresponsible teenager. The perks of making art... doing art makes you unstable. Everything depends on your work, but then your work also depends on your mood. I can't start this painting because I am scared of it and I am feeling sad. But in order to feel happy I need to start working on it. This is ridiculous. But I know if I start it with the wrong emotions inside of me, then it will turn out horrible and I will hate it. I need to love the process of making a work, otherwise it won't be good enough.
Watching Honey and Clover makes me think of so many things. Do I have talent? Do I make good works? Do other people actually like them, or just say they like them because they are my friends and don't want to be rude? How does one know that they've "got it"? And how do you feel when you realize it's all in vain and you should just do something else... sometimes I feel like everything I make is shit and what's the point, I should have studied something else. And then sometimes I think I am on top of the world, but then I feel too cocky and feel ashamed of such thoughts, and ashamed of my works.
Yesterday Zig said "all artists think their stuff is amazing". Is that true? Because I don't think like that about my stuff. I like what I make, and even if I didn't make those works, and I just saw them somewhere without knowing who made them, I would still like them just as much. But not all of them. For every good painting I make, there are 2 or 3 works that I dislike. Sometimes I feel like what's the point, by adding these up, I make more works that I dislike than the ones that I like. But then somebody praises my work and I get a really good feeling inside. Is it right that I feel happy when somebody praises me, and I feel the most confident only then? When I make something new, before I show it to someone, I determine whether I like it or not, but even if I really really like it, I don't feel as happy as when somebody tells me that that work is amazing. But if I hear it too much, I start wondering, what if they only say it out of respect or pity, what if in reality I am just not good at anything.
Is this what every artist goes through during their whole life? This mental torture, day in, day out? Argh why did I choose something so painful? I guess I'll never be bored. But will I ever be happy? Does it matter, cause in the end we all die sad. Because nobody wants to give up their life, because there is nothing after that.
Wow depressing. I'll go do something else instead of writing this bullshit.
After that wonderful trip to Cali I came back to so much work. Two projects for Drug Abuse, music video stuff and painting stuff for I-carnival, two more videos to edit, start working on Apostasy II, and all I want to do is finish watching Honey and Clover (which unfortunately I can't do at work because this internet is sooo slooooow).
But why would I want to write about all that stuff? Instead, I will write down some thoughts.
While I was gone for a week, the cats have changed quite a bit. They now jump on the counters, but they also became more vocal and more lovey. They keep fighting for attention, they won't leave me or Joce alone. They missed me, that's for sure. I don't think they want me to ever leave them again... Which is sooo cute but sad at the same time.
For some reason, I'm feeling kind of sad. I don't think it's because spring break is over and now I have to do things. I think this is something completely different, but I don't know what it is. It's so warm outside and I usually feel so happy when it's warm. Somehow, something is missing right now. Maybe it's the spring blues or stress over work, or maybe it's something more abstract like... I miss being an irresponsible teenager. The perks of making art... doing art makes you unstable. Everything depends on your work, but then your work also depends on your mood. I can't start this painting because I am scared of it and I am feeling sad. But in order to feel happy I need to start working on it. This is ridiculous. But I know if I start it with the wrong emotions inside of me, then it will turn out horrible and I will hate it. I need to love the process of making a work, otherwise it won't be good enough.
Watching Honey and Clover makes me think of so many things. Do I have talent? Do I make good works? Do other people actually like them, or just say they like them because they are my friends and don't want to be rude? How does one know that they've "got it"? And how do you feel when you realize it's all in vain and you should just do something else... sometimes I feel like everything I make is shit and what's the point, I should have studied something else. And then sometimes I think I am on top of the world, but then I feel too cocky and feel ashamed of such thoughts, and ashamed of my works.
Yesterday Zig said "all artists think their stuff is amazing". Is that true? Because I don't think like that about my stuff. I like what I make, and even if I didn't make those works, and I just saw them somewhere without knowing who made them, I would still like them just as much. But not all of them. For every good painting I make, there are 2 or 3 works that I dislike. Sometimes I feel like what's the point, by adding these up, I make more works that I dislike than the ones that I like. But then somebody praises my work and I get a really good feeling inside. Is it right that I feel happy when somebody praises me, and I feel the most confident only then? When I make something new, before I show it to someone, I determine whether I like it or not, but even if I really really like it, I don't feel as happy as when somebody tells me that that work is amazing. But if I hear it too much, I start wondering, what if they only say it out of respect or pity, what if in reality I am just not good at anything.
Is this what every artist goes through during their whole life? This mental torture, day in, day out? Argh why did I choose something so painful? I guess I'll never be bored. But will I ever be happy? Does it matter, cause in the end we all die sad. Because nobody wants to give up their life, because there is nothing after that.
Wow depressing. I'll go do something else instead of writing this bullshit.
