loner

Sometimes I don't find the time to think any more. This is mental exhaustion. I have to write an essay on the Transformative Power of Art and nothing comes to mind because I have exhausted myself so much. There is nothing in my brain except an empty space. This empty space drives me insane.

I am listening to the Album Leaf tonight. It's sort of cosmic, but not too cosmic. It's just background sounds. I like background sounds. I need background sounds more than ever right now.

I've been feeling a strange void for a while now. I find it easy to continue painting, but anything else is a block for me. I try to write and nothing comes out. I try to talk and instead I hear silence. When I read I smudge words together into a tangled web. And when I try to watch something I get incredibly bored and switch to doing something else. Like Basquiat, I like to multi-task. I want every noise possible around me - the noises of the house, the AC, the cats meowing, the music and the TV. I want to be surrounded by heaps of crap and work on something else entirely. But it's not happening to me lately. Nothing is inspiring. Nothing is worthy of my attention. I am withdrawing from the real world into the world of my night dreams, day dreams and thoughts. But when I try to recall any of them - they all disappear as if there never was anything inside my head, just an empty space.

I am afraid to end up with an empty space for the rest of my life.

pandemonium

I am always recognized for my designs, not for who I am. I am expected to be an artist and sometimes people forget I am also a human being with emotions. Being an artist is sometimes a curse.

This is a very loosely based quote from Mondo.

I can totally relate to this. I think sometimes people forget I am not just a machine whipping out art all the time. Meh.

gah

Explanation. Humiliation. Vomit. Tears.

I am sick of Planet Earth. I want to leave it. I want to really leave it.

 

 

 

 

burnout eyes oOoOO

“The humanoids told Don that if he went home with a whore, she would cook him a meal of petroleum and coal products at fancy prices.”

I just started reading “Breakfast of Champions” by Kurt Vonnegut. I’ve never read anything by this author before and decided to give it a try. I picked out three books from the library to occupy myself before the new semester begins (next week!) and this was the first one I chose to read.

So far, it’s blowing my mind in ways I couldn’t even imagine. It is incredible how he puts multiple novels in one novel in the form of the main character’s books. Simple plots or even just extracts of plots jumping up and down the pages, almost hidden and unrecognizable as their own pieces of literature. There is a childlike simplicity that hides snide remarks the author makes about our world, some parts real and some parts fake or made up. I’m 63 pages in and I haven’t reached the point of why or how Dwayne and Kilgore met and became close, and yet the novel is no longer “opening” or setting the scene or the mood. We jump right into it with the preface, every paragraph is read as if someone is rushing the words, the ideas. Every sentence is rushed to allow the next one, but the next one is only being pushed by the one after, and so on.

It is also absurdly genius that Kilgore’s novels were published as “words” for pictures of “wide-open beavers” and printed together, the pictures not being illustrations or guidance to the novels at all. In hindsight, that probably made the novels just a tad more incredible. If you’re reading the text and not getting distracted by the beavers, then the words must be pure orgasmic li-te-ra-tu-re.

Not sure how I feel about Dwayne yet, I haven’t formed an opinion about him.

Me and Enzo (shoulder-cat)

Me and Toby (dog-cat)

In other news, I got stung by a bee last night on my neck, and I also have a big scar on my foot from a twig that got caught in my sandals. The cats are more demanding than ever and I think I might have found a freshman male version of myself (freshman year Katya, not senior year Katya). No idea what his name is or anything, but I keep seeing him on campus all the time in various colored skinny jeans and cool hair and too-cool-for-school attitude. Hm.

asthmatic kitty records

My cat has asthma. This is very upsetting. I feel so bad for the poor thing, this morning she came to me barely breathing with an open mouth trying to breathe as hard as possible with her tiny lungs. Poor poor animal. I have no idea what it feels like to be asthmatic, I don't have any allergies and I don't have asthma. When we got home I instantly remembered Asthmatic Kitty Records, which Sufjan Stevens is part of. They make boring music.

So instead whilst writing this I am listening to Death in Vegas. I haven't listened to this in many years actually.

What's been new in my life? I went to Chicago and got myself a client for my art. Sort of. Now I am working hard on about 50-60 illustrations that need to be finished very very soon. I got a new pair of sunglasses, in the shape of cat eyes. Speaking of cat eyes, how about that new band, Cat's Eyes? Pretty good in my opinion.

My adorable Panther (or Bee-Bee, Bee (as in Queen Bee) or Pan-Pan)..... "I go by many names... some call me..." That was a Mighty Boosh quote you losers.

Every time I take her to the vet I get sooo many compliments: "Your cat is soooooo adorable/cute/beautiful/lovely" :D she's a total princess.

We got X-Rays done on her today, those look soooo cool! I totally want to make art out of them but I don't even know if I'm allowed to keep them yet.

You guys KNOW I'm obsessed with sunglasses. Here is a shitty photo collection of all of them (I am taking a break from illustrations, felt like sharing)

Your face is SO two thousand nine

Forever 21

Topshop

Urban Outfitters

Vintage

American Apparel (not sure...)

These are from Peter

H&M

No idea, too old

Can't remember (your face is a space shuttle)

Super awesome nerd. Found these in my studio Sophomore year ^.^

arm still itchy - 4th week

I don't think I mention this to anyone, but my arm has been itching in the same spot for over a month now. It's kind of deep inside and there are no signs on the skin. So I have no idea what the hell is going on, but thankfully I am going to the doctor's on Tuesday. Also getting a haircut and going to the dentist. Fun day? I don't know if I'd call it that.

I watched "Voices of a Distant Star". And it is so incredibly sad... The plot is very interesting, about two highschoolers messaging each other, one from Earth and another from space, where she is fighting aliens and the time lag between the time of the message sent and the message received gets bigger and bigger, the girl is still 15 but back on Earth it's 8 years later so the guy is about 24. There are some unexplainable things in the anime, like the double of the girl who tells her they'll meet again, or the visions that keep happening. The backgrounds of the animation are amazing too.

I miss Panther and Enzo/Salem/Jiji.

mouth to mouth?

I just watched the film Mouth to Mouth starring Ellen Page. It really impressed me... but I am not sure which bits did and which didn't.

I think it's fantastic that the whole crew really shaved their heads off for this film. I think it's amazing that they obviously only got one chance to shoot the scenes where you can see them getting their heads shaved. I think it's fantastic that Mad Ax (the skinny blonde junkie dude) doesn't get initiated into the head-shaving process. And I love that he is the most intricate character, and the most passionate and romantic at the same time as the most crazed and interesting. Sherry is of course a typical teenager type of character BUT what is interesting about her is the controversial idea of wanting to go home and not wanting to go home, just like any other kid I guess. There are lines in this movie that are too close to stereotyping "I can't believe all this stuff was gonna get thrown out" and "Mom, I really don't think this is for you" throughout the scenes without an explanation why. Similarly, Mad Ax says a lot of such phrases but they don't sound lame from him "Go back to Sherry-ville" and "Have kids" and "You are the first person to have told me that". Harry, the leader - too obvious, too boring, too... I don't know. The British girl/prostitute is amazing in her part. The ending is somewhat predictable but I like that it has an element of innocence about it. As far as themes... well here I am not such a good judge. I don't watch movies for plot lines, themes, etc. But I guess it's also slightly predictable, though I have to say the whole idea is very central-European. And I don't think I like that very much. It has an element of everything I learned about the local youth whilst living in Europe. So, that part of the movie didn't really impress me at all.

In other news, I'm starting a new text/novel/story type of thing. Stayed up until 4am last night typing away. Finished reading "A Mind to Murder" and I don't think I can read any more of Sebastian Horsley's "Dandy in the Underworld" because it's getting too much for me. I've been reading Victorian poetry. I don't know, lazy days.