tormented tonight by thoughts of europe and home

I feel so weird tonight. First I watch a movie about America, and then I watch a movie about Europe. The movie about America makes me scared, it excites me, it makes me feel very strange. It’s haunting. It’s like a horror without the horror. It’s so alien. This world of America is so incredibly alien to me.

And then the movie about Europe gives me peace, it makes me want to smoke cigarettes. But most importantly it makes me want to write and it makes me sad and confused. Is that what Europe is? A place to make me feel so strange. So confused, and yet at peace with myself and my thoughts. I identify with the character much better. That is how I feel there.

But then I think about where I would call home, and neither of those places speak to me as home. How did I lose myself, my identity? When people ask where I am from I don’t even know what to tell them. I say I am from Europe, but I am not really from Europe. I am not from here either. Not because I didn’t grow up here, but because I don’t see myself ever growing up here. I see myself living here but I never see myself as being American.

I am not European. I don’t have anything left there, and yet it calls me back all the time. I always feel miserable in Europe, and want to go back. But then I come back to America and for a while I am doing okay, but then I start missing Europe. But not missing any particular place or time or people. I just miss Europe as a concept, a 180 from America. Here everything is so normal at surface level and so abnormal when you dig deeper. There everything is so abnormal all the time that everything is liberated and therefore becomes normal, every-day. That is why I hate it there so much, because everything is so liberated that the feeling of freedom that people earn when they go to Europe is lost. The freedom is so mundane that it is not exciting any more.

Speaking of freedom, the country I come from has no freedom and never had. But it’s strange to me because I did grow up in freedom in a country that had or has none. Now that I come back to visit Russia I don’t understand it at all. It’s so bizarre and alien to me, because when I was growing up there it was different to me and I felt free. When I go to visit I feel anything but free. It’s like going to a different galaxy or something of that sort.

I could never love the country I come from, and I could never call it home.

I could never love Prague either, and I cannot see it as my home.

America is not my home either.

People say your home is where your heart is. Well my heart is either black or missing, or simply has stayed in my chest this whole time, these 22 years of my life. So is my home inside of me? But that doesn’t make sense because home is a place outside of yourself that makes you comfortable.

I guess I never feel quite comfortable.

I really want to go to Europe, especially tonight. It’s the movie I am watching and the agitated state I am in lately because I know I am going there soon. I am terrified, as always, but strangely every time I go there, during travel I feel numb, and the whole stay there makes me feel numb. Then towards the end I can’t wait to return to America, I stop sleeping and start day-dreaming and the whole travel back I am excited and agitated. But when I spend too long in America I think about Europe a lot. It’s as if it is some annoying twin that keeps telepathically tormenting me. Why can’t you just leave me alone, leave me be happy in America... no it won’t ever do that.

Some people are satisfied where they are. Some people move somewhere and get satisfaction from their new place. I have never felt such satisfaction.

thoughts thoughts thoughts

I am not proud of anything that I am:

• Russian / European / not American
• Vegan
• Ex-drinker
• Artist
• Writer
• Movie maker
• Good college student
• Only child
• Middle-class (I guess...?)
• Not married / have no children
• 22 years old

What I am proud of is the knowledge that I have gained so far.

For some reason today especially I felt sickeningly superior all day and it's really disgusting. I am not superior or inferior to anyone. I am who I am. But I don't think it's fair for anyone to judge my decisions, my "radicalism", my choices in life. I don't like people imposing their ideas on me, or assuming that I would be imposing mine on them.

monday

[I am gonna attempt to post one for every day this week]

Monday mornings. Things I hate:

1. Running out of hot water in the shower because I am so sleepy I don't notice how long I spend in it. Trying to wash off soap in the cold is a disgusting procedure.
2. Wanting to wear 10 sweaters after a cold shower, only to realize later you're way over-dressed for the weather and sweat in your 10 sweaters all day.
3. One part of me wanting to eat nothing at all and another part craving mountains of food.
4. Eyes being droopy.
5. Planning a great day ahead, involving coming to work early and getting things done. Then falling for my cat and spending all the time on tumblr with her on my lap until I absolutely must leave the house.

Things I enjoy:

1. Working only 2 hours and having work before class makes it seem minimal.
2. The start of the week. So many great days stand before me!
3. Organizing in my mind what painting and when I will do this week.
4. If I wake up before 9am, I like the feeling of not being rushed before work.
5. I keep writing "weel" instead of "week".

Tyler, the Creator and Salem make my day happieee =^.^=

i can't relax

Something really pissed me off today, or just lately.
How people say: take a day off, relax, take a day for yourself.
In all seriousness, I can't do that. I am here to live life. I can't take a day off to relax. I can't spend the evening/night in my pajamas surfing the internet looking at cats and reading funny articles. I can do it for maybe an hour but after that hour I am up and doing stuff. Even watching a movie is hard because I almost feel like I am wasting my life.
And perhaps there are people that can afford to waste their lives, but I am not one of them. I don't have a lot of time left to be the best artist that I can be. There will never be enough hours in a day to perfect myself to perfection.
I don't care if someone else is relaxing and stuff, because that's their life and their choice. But don't push your life advice on me. And more than that, don't fucking complain about how life sucks *tear* because *tear* you're running out of time. It's your goddamn fault: admit it. Live with it. Gah I don't know.

Why am I being mean? Why am I picking fights with people? Why why why.
I want to be a really nice person. But I feel like I am failing lately. I've disappointed myself in certain friendships, and certain friendships have disappointed me.
I hate liars. Don't lie please.
I hate ass-kissers. Stop kissing my ass, it's not pleasant.
I hate spineless creepy crawlies. Just get away from me ew.
I hate people with no personality.
I hate dramatic primadonnas unless they are trapped in the body of a cute black cat by the name of Panther.
I hate when people ask really dumb questions in class. I feel embarrassed for them.

And after all that, why did I eat three slices of bread at 1am???

Okay better

Yesterday was a bit of a low point. This morning I woke up, wrote my paper, wrote an artist statement (for like the 50th time), studied for a quiz and worked in my studio. I think it's the evenings that make one so upset.

I am not the first person to have noticed that. Especially if the days are especially sunny it makes you feel happier inside somehow, like as if sunshine comes from inside of you.

I read somewhere once that you get out of life what you put into the world. I don't know if it's true or not, but I like that phrase. It makes you want to do better things in life and be a better person to others. More polite, more caring, less judgmental.

Japan - I really want to go there.
It's infuriating how little people know about the world and how stupid they are. Sometimes they don't even hide their stupidity and it drives me crazy, but today is a good day so I held back the negativity and "didn't put it out into the world". Someone asked me about my hand but I didn't want to tell them what happened. Let's be mysterious. This girl in my class pointed to a Japanese ink drawings and asked if it's a chair drawn... Goddamn fucking retard it's the gates that we've been shown in class so many times before. And yet "but why is it soo small". It's like grandma why are your ears so big. So I can hear you better.

Whatever, what is the point of trying to make people understand art when they ask the dumbest questions possible. Why is the grass not green in this painting but yellow. Why is her face red. Why is she giving him an apple. Why is there a purple cloud. I don't know... why do you even exist? Can we not leave at least a tiny amount of preconceived perceptions at home at least for one goddamn day? This is why artists don't explain their art any more - there is no point. The audience makes no effort to get rid of the standardized values that have been implemented on them from birth. They can't take the glasses of general ignorance off. Nobody wants to get rid of their preconceived ideas, ideals and norms of society. That is why art is becoming a more and more exclusive "club". VIP only.

I'm a big fan of Gerhard Richter lately:

loner

Sometimes I don't find the time to think any more. This is mental exhaustion. I have to write an essay on the Transformative Power of Art and nothing comes to mind because I have exhausted myself so much. There is nothing in my brain except an empty space. This empty space drives me insane.

I am listening to the Album Leaf tonight. It's sort of cosmic, but not too cosmic. It's just background sounds. I like background sounds. I need background sounds more than ever right now.

I've been feeling a strange void for a while now. I find it easy to continue painting, but anything else is a block for me. I try to write and nothing comes out. I try to talk and instead I hear silence. When I read I smudge words together into a tangled web. And when I try to watch something I get incredibly bored and switch to doing something else. Like Basquiat, I like to multi-task. I want every noise possible around me - the noises of the house, the AC, the cats meowing, the music and the TV. I want to be surrounded by heaps of crap and work on something else entirely. But it's not happening to me lately. Nothing is inspiring. Nothing is worthy of my attention. I am withdrawing from the real world into the world of my night dreams, day dreams and thoughts. But when I try to recall any of them - they all disappear as if there never was anything inside my head, just an empty space.

I am afraid to end up with an empty space for the rest of my life.

pandemonium

I am always recognized for my designs, not for who I am. I am expected to be an artist and sometimes people forget I am also a human being with emotions. Being an artist is sometimes a curse.

This is a very loosely based quote from Mondo.

I can totally relate to this. I think sometimes people forget I am not just a machine whipping out art all the time. Meh.

gah

Explanation. Humiliation. Vomit. Tears.

I am sick of Planet Earth. I want to leave it. I want to really leave it.

 

 

 

 

burnout eyes oOoOO

“The humanoids told Don that if he went home with a whore, she would cook him a meal of petroleum and coal products at fancy prices.”

I just started reading “Breakfast of Champions” by Kurt Vonnegut. I’ve never read anything by this author before and decided to give it a try. I picked out three books from the library to occupy myself before the new semester begins (next week!) and this was the first one I chose to read.

So far, it’s blowing my mind in ways I couldn’t even imagine. It is incredible how he puts multiple novels in one novel in the form of the main character’s books. Simple plots or even just extracts of plots jumping up and down the pages, almost hidden and unrecognizable as their own pieces of literature. There is a childlike simplicity that hides snide remarks the author makes about our world, some parts real and some parts fake or made up. I’m 63 pages in and I haven’t reached the point of why or how Dwayne and Kilgore met and became close, and yet the novel is no longer “opening” or setting the scene or the mood. We jump right into it with the preface, every paragraph is read as if someone is rushing the words, the ideas. Every sentence is rushed to allow the next one, but the next one is only being pushed by the one after, and so on.

It is also absurdly genius that Kilgore’s novels were published as “words” for pictures of “wide-open beavers” and printed together, the pictures not being illustrations or guidance to the novels at all. In hindsight, that probably made the novels just a tad more incredible. If you’re reading the text and not getting distracted by the beavers, then the words must be pure orgasmic li-te-ra-tu-re.

Not sure how I feel about Dwayne yet, I haven’t formed an opinion about him.

Me and Enzo (shoulder-cat)

Me and Toby (dog-cat)

In other news, I got stung by a bee last night on my neck, and I also have a big scar on my foot from a twig that got caught in my sandals. The cats are more demanding than ever and I think I might have found a freshman male version of myself (freshman year Katya, not senior year Katya). No idea what his name is or anything, but I keep seeing him on campus all the time in various colored skinny jeans and cool hair and too-cool-for-school attitude. Hm.

asthmatic kitty records

My cat has asthma. This is very upsetting. I feel so bad for the poor thing, this morning she came to me barely breathing with an open mouth trying to breathe as hard as possible with her tiny lungs. Poor poor animal. I have no idea what it feels like to be asthmatic, I don't have any allergies and I don't have asthma. When we got home I instantly remembered Asthmatic Kitty Records, which Sufjan Stevens is part of. They make boring music.

So instead whilst writing this I am listening to Death in Vegas. I haven't listened to this in many years actually.

What's been new in my life? I went to Chicago and got myself a client for my art. Sort of. Now I am working hard on about 50-60 illustrations that need to be finished very very soon. I got a new pair of sunglasses, in the shape of cat eyes. Speaking of cat eyes, how about that new band, Cat's Eyes? Pretty good in my opinion.

My adorable Panther (or Bee-Bee, Bee (as in Queen Bee) or Pan-Pan)..... "I go by many names... some call me..." That was a Mighty Boosh quote you losers.

Every time I take her to the vet I get sooo many compliments: "Your cat is soooooo adorable/cute/beautiful/lovely" :D she's a total princess.

We got X-Rays done on her today, those look soooo cool! I totally want to make art out of them but I don't even know if I'm allowed to keep them yet.

You guys KNOW I'm obsessed with sunglasses. Here is a shitty photo collection of all of them (I am taking a break from illustrations, felt like sharing)

Your face is SO two thousand nine

Forever 21

Topshop

Urban Outfitters

Vintage

American Apparel (not sure...)

These are from Peter

H&M

No idea, too old

Can't remember (your face is a space shuttle)

Super awesome nerd. Found these in my studio Sophomore year ^.^

arm still itchy - 4th week

I don't think I mention this to anyone, but my arm has been itching in the same spot for over a month now. It's kind of deep inside and there are no signs on the skin. So I have no idea what the hell is going on, but thankfully I am going to the doctor's on Tuesday. Also getting a haircut and going to the dentist. Fun day? I don't know if I'd call it that.

I watched "Voices of a Distant Star". And it is so incredibly sad... The plot is very interesting, about two highschoolers messaging each other, one from Earth and another from space, where she is fighting aliens and the time lag between the time of the message sent and the message received gets bigger and bigger, the girl is still 15 but back on Earth it's 8 years later so the guy is about 24. There are some unexplainable things in the anime, like the double of the girl who tells her they'll meet again, or the visions that keep happening. The backgrounds of the animation are amazing too.

I miss Panther and Enzo/Salem/Jiji.

mouth to mouth?

I just watched the film Mouth to Mouth starring Ellen Page. It really impressed me... but I am not sure which bits did and which didn't.

I think it's fantastic that the whole crew really shaved their heads off for this film. I think it's amazing that they obviously only got one chance to shoot the scenes where you can see them getting their heads shaved. I think it's fantastic that Mad Ax (the skinny blonde junkie dude) doesn't get initiated into the head-shaving process. And I love that he is the most intricate character, and the most passionate and romantic at the same time as the most crazed and interesting. Sherry is of course a typical teenager type of character BUT what is interesting about her is the controversial idea of wanting to go home and not wanting to go home, just like any other kid I guess. There are lines in this movie that are too close to stereotyping "I can't believe all this stuff was gonna get thrown out" and "Mom, I really don't think this is for you" throughout the scenes without an explanation why. Similarly, Mad Ax says a lot of such phrases but they don't sound lame from him "Go back to Sherry-ville" and "Have kids" and "You are the first person to have told me that". Harry, the leader - too obvious, too boring, too... I don't know. The British girl/prostitute is amazing in her part. The ending is somewhat predictable but I like that it has an element of innocence about it. As far as themes... well here I am not such a good judge. I don't watch movies for plot lines, themes, etc. But I guess it's also slightly predictable, though I have to say the whole idea is very central-European. And I don't think I like that very much. It has an element of everything I learned about the local youth whilst living in Europe. So, that part of the movie didn't really impress me at all.

In other news, I'm starting a new text/novel/story type of thing. Stayed up until 4am last night typing away. Finished reading "A Mind to Murder" and I don't think I can read any more of Sebastian Horsley's "Dandy in the Underworld" because it's getting too much for me. I've been reading Victorian poetry. I don't know, lazy days.

is it winter?

I literally just got very confused about what season it is outside. It's not snowing out, or even cold. I walked around all day in a summer dress. I know it's supposedly summer. But then the combination of being extremely tired, sleepy, sitting in a room with the curtains closed with the lights on even though it's still light out... and reading someone's blog and there were pictures of people wearing coats and winter attire and the phrase I read contained the words "winter" and "snow" and all of a sudden for about a second my brain exploded or vomited, not sure which one... but this crazy thought suddenly appeared that was like "oh my god, it's winter, what am I doing here in the winter? I should be in college? Where did the past year go? I just wasted so much time doing nothing??" and then I looked at the curtains and everything went back to normal reality. Phew... this stuff doesn't happen very often.

At the exhibition today I really liked Josef Istler and Vaclav Zykmund. But unfortunately I can't find any works online that I would post here, because I guess the works at the exhibition were their less known ones.

Here is two pictures of me cheating on my cat with Valik's cat. I don't feel particularly bad because Panther is cheating hardcore on me with Zig and Joce. Pfft.

I wore this outfit today and I call it "hipster bride"

Here are some pics of this gruesome tunnel that I have to walk through almost every day to get to the metro or go to town or whatever, now the tunnel is decorated with "street art". I actually really like it!

Three more weeks in Prague. Let's make it good? (The Crookers: "We Make It Good")

Also, here is my favorite photo from last night, which was Sasha's birthday. I like it because it was so random what we were doing. Me and Fish discovered the dog, Mitya, standing on the stairs. We started petting him, slowly sliding down the stairs. Then Fish suggested we should slide all the way down and see if anyone noticed us gone. Then we were discovered by Sasha's Mom who probably thought it was very weird what we were doing. Then we slid down, went and stood in the toilet for about 2 minutes just laughing. Then Valik discovered us and the three of us just stood in the toilet. Then I said if Sasha's Mom would see us three in the toilet she would probably think it very strange, so we went back up and sat on the stairs for a bit.